Everything's Comin' Up Milhouse!!

So OK. All you optimistic bastards out there that have very calmly been telling me that "everything will work out" with my move to NYC were right. It took a while for everything to fall into place, but now it's looking like it has.

I have secured a very nice apartment in a very cool neighborhood of Brooklyn. I have a job possibility at last-and if that doesn't work out I have resigned myself to the fact that my true calling may be bartending anyway. I am tying up loose ends here in DC, and by "tying up loose ends" I mean "tying one on" with anybody who is willing to have one more drink with me before I leave.

For the first time since this whole crazy move was put into motion, I'm getting excited. A new city, a new chapter, new possibilities, and an apartment a decent size to accomodate all my douchebag friends who come up to visit.

So what has been going on? RECAP!:

On Friday night one of my bosses had a dinner in my honor at his place in Georgetown. It was a really nice evening, and I'm very happy to report that even after my 3 glasses of wine and 1 glass of whiskey-I didn't embarass myself with too many tasteless jokes.

Then Saturday night came, and it was party time. A good number of people showed up to get me drunk, and their efforts proved fruitful. Shortly after swearing I would not do any shots because I had to be on a bus to NYC at 7:30am the next morning, I realized that I have no control over my own destiny. Instead my booze-pushing friends and co-workers tell me what to do and I abide by their instructions.

Let me put it this way-Bailey's, Cuervo, Grand Marnier and plenty of vodka does not a coherent person make. Especially after 10 beers. Fast-forward to 7am the next morning and me rushing out the door in the clothes I wore the night before and REEKING of alcohol to try and make my bus. I made it-just barely. The poor guy sitting next to me on the bus was hospitalized with alcohol poisoning through osmosis 4 1/2 hours later.

Anyhoo-got an apartment, walked off my hangover all over Brooklyn, and headed back to DC on the bus. 20 minutes outside of the city the bus blows a tire. I watched in admiration as our very handy bus driver got out to inspect the damage, kicked the axle, and then got back into the bus and proceeded to drive on it anyway. The smell of burning rubber and smoldering metal was an intoxicating aroma. I vomited 6 times.

And now, as my last official week in DC draws to a close, I feel like waxing philosophical about some great experiences I will never forget (not unlike the list Danny Rouhier made of things that make him tingle downstairs):

-The one (and ONLY) time I got fired. I was supposed to lock and unlock doors in the Student Center at GWU, and I missed a few shifts. My boss called me into his office, made me sit there in silence while he printed something out, and then handed it to me. "You're fired" was written on it. He never said anything. It was surreal.

-When my friend Pete stole a pizza guy's car and tried to run it into the Potomac. Why? Because it was something to do on a Tuesday night.

-Watching people cheat at the AIDS walk around the Mall. I know that's a Paul Schorsch joke-but I was there that year too, and just as horrified.

-Meeting Teddy Kennedy, Sandra Day O'Connor and George Mitchell.

-Making out with Teddy Kennedy, Sandra Day O'Connor and George Mitchell.

-Totally kidding about that last one.

-Doing a Christmas show with Frank Hong as my comedy partner and realizing that I was in the presence of greatness. Then, while watching Frank take off his shirt and jump around, realizing I was in the presence of sexy greatness.

-Night after night of nudity at the DC Improv.

-Attending the VP Inaugural Ball in '05 with Zach Toczynski where we proceeded to swim in top-shelf booze and dance the two-step.

-Attempting to bar-crawl around Annapolis MD with 3 good friends, one of which had a broken leg and a very cumbersome crutch. She still got hit on more than the rest of us combined. Atta girl, Meg.

-All my nights spent at Townhouse Tavern, Lindy's Red Lion, the Ugly Mug, Lucky Bar, Biddy Mulligan's, and a million other places where I had my mail delivered for a while.

-Picking at least 2 fights in each of the above-mentioned bars.

-Joining and inevitably quitting the DC Improv softball team EVERY SUMMER SEASON.

-Every show I ever did at every back-ass dive bar, coffee shop, college cafeteria, seafood restaurant, bowling alley and random bachelorette party in the Greater Washington Area.

-Every comic that was right there with me, and the friendships I have with them, and respect and admiration I have for all of them: Chris White, Frank Hong, Larry XL, Jared Stern, Erik Myers, Larry Poon, Ryan Conner, Justin Schlegel, Rory Scovel, Danny Rouhier, Jon Mumma, Doug Powell, Dawan Owens, Marshall Henry, Sean Gabbert and too many more to mention.

-Knowing that wherever I went-I could count on Melissa to suffer alongside me. ("Where in the hell are we?!?! The Blair Witch Forest?!?!")

-Once in a while getting really great stage time at legitimate venues.

-The DCStandup All-Stars. You guys are awesome-thanks for letting me be a part of something great with you.

-My "bad trip" to the IHOP in Crystal City with my boy Mikey back in 2001. Oh man, those cops were totally onto us.

-Knowing Chris Duncan.

And that's it for today. I might throw some more down tomorrow. It's hard to think of the nonsense that has taken place for the last 7 1/2 years that I've been here in our Nation's Capital. Suffice it to say, DC has been home-and I have met some of the best friends I could ever dream of having. A lot of you I won't see before I head off to NY-but you've got my e-mail. So let me know when you're coming up to visit. I'll cut up some hot dogs to mix into the macaroni and cheese.