Comedian Erin Conroy: Awkward F---ing Encounters

Comedian Erin Conroy

Friday, December 02, 2005

Awkward F---ing Encounters

When two people break up, I believe that there should be a dividing of all assets. And I'm not talking just the tangible properties acquired during the tenure of the relationship-but public spaces as well.

Like bars. If there is a bar you both frequented while together, one of you gets to continue going there on a semi-regular basis, and the other gets visitation rights. That way you each still get to rock a bar stool in your own time, and you never have to see each other again.

This would have saved me the awkward drama I suffered through last night when I ran into my last serious long-term boyfriend. And his new girlfriend. Awesome! After the mandatory "Hey. How are you?" bullshit and the uneasy fidgeting that lasted about 30 seconds, I went back to my section of the bar and my friends-who all proceeded to tell me how much they hated him.

Isn't that great? How your friends always turn into great, mystic sages as soon as you end a relationship? Telling you shit you always kind of knew, and trying to make you feel ten times worse for not ending it sooner than you did? And they always say they were only nice to the person because "you really liked him". Oh really? Then why did you guys go golfing together? Oh, because you're a liar-that's why.

Anyhoo-I promptly downed a few more beers and shots. This seemed like the rational thing to do at the time, and now in the harsh light of day...I still agree with that logic. But with great amounts of alcohol comes a great desire to say things that shouldn't be said. That don't need to be said. Things that should really be kept under lock and key. Up in the attic with all those old "Highlights" magazines.

So long story short-I read him the riot act about things that bothered me from our relationship, and things that were slightly less relevant. For example, I'm not so sure he has anything to do with Joe Thornton being traded to San Jose. But I made sure to voice my disappointment with the Bruins management.

It is my hope that in NYC there will be a smaller chance of running into any exes and cringing my way through any sort of detente conversations. It's a clean slate, that city! A fresh canvas just begging me to ruin it with more casualties of romance.

Rest assured-I will not disappoint.


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