Comedian Erin Conroy: Tar Tar Sauce

Comedian Erin Conroy

Monday, October 31, 2005

Tar Tar Sauce

I got really drunk on Saturday night. It was an engagement party for my friends Kathriona and Ger, at Fado in Chinatown. Good times. There was a girl in the bathroom who I offended, apparently. She was talking (at top volume, mind you) about how people always tell her she looks like Renee Zellweger. So I turned to my friend Melissa and stated that I'm of the opinion that Renee Zellweger looks like she has gotten smashed in the face with a shovel. Repeatedly. Well, the whole bathroom fell silent, and the girl pulled some sort of "Well, I never!!!" crap. Apparently I really upset her, seeing as how she considers herself Ms. Zellweger's doppleganger. Whatever, Lady.

Other than that-the night was pretty by-the-book. I ended up having a wicked hangover on Sunday, and my friend Mike was feeling the same way. So it was off to brunch with us. We both had a few drinks-hair of the dog and all that. By the end of brunch, I think I was drunk all over again because some guy at the table next to us got fish, and when the waiter asked him if he wanted tar tar sauce with his meal, I thought it was the funniest shit I'd ever heard. In my defense-"tar tar sauce" is a pretty odd phrase.

And now it's Halloween. And I am buying candy on the way home, because the last two years that I didn't have any in my apartment on Halloween night, I got about 30 kids come to my door. So then I was "that lady". You know the lady-the one that hands out mini-tubes of toothpaste and floss, and other crappy knick-knacks. Only I didn't even have anything like that lying around, so I handed out Ziploc baggies full of Cheez-its, some old cassette tapes and bundles of Q-Tips. .....Actually, I may have saved myself the trouble. I'll bet those kids have learned that I'm the weird lady who doesn't give out candy and usually answers the door crying. This year they probably won't even ring my bell. They'll just throw rocks and flaming rolls of toilet paper through my window.

Ah....the children are our future...


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