I Have Paris Hilton's Song Stuck In My Head...

...And a revolver shoved in my mouth. I desperately need to get that syphillitic harpy's voice out of my mind. I'd rather listen to Songs of Worship.

Wedding season is upon us once again. I think this year I will escape relatively unscathed-there might only be one that I have to attend. And if I can break an appendage close enough to the date, I might be able to get out of it. At my part-time job a few weeks ago, there was a wedding reception held under a tent on the beach. There was a giant sandcastle wedding cake, and hot dogs for everyone. It was a pretty interesting break from the normal wedding receptions we all have to suffer through every year, and it got me thinking. If I ever (hold all laughter until the end, please) decide to get married, I have come up with the most ingenious location for my wedding reception:

A roller rink.

I know. I'm brilliant. There will be sheet pizzas and sno-cones for everyone, as well as unlimited access to the arcade games and skee-ball. The wedding party will participate in a game of Four Corners, and the bride and groom's "first dance as man and wife" will instead be a Couple's Skate. Oh my God...my fictional and largely unlikely wedding is gonna be AMAZING.

My new favorite comeback for anyone and everyone is to tell them that they "will burn for that". I think it's hilarious, and it begets a satisfying reaction. For example, a friend of mine back-sassed me at lunch today, and without hesitation I said, "Oh-you'll burn for that." It made the remainder of the lunch sufficiently awkward. POINT: CONROY

I have a strong desire to go bowling. It's been about 6 months, and correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the Surgeon General recommend a night of bowling at least once every 7 months? Or else you'll get polio? Something like that. So if anyone is reading this, and they live in the NYC area, and they don't want polio-then hey:

Let's bowl.