Comedian Erin Conroy: You Liar

Comedian Erin Conroy

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

You Liar

In the Subway (and to a lesser extent, out on the streets) at rush hour, there are people from all kinds of organizations and denominations in your face-trying to hand you pamphlets.

The Campaign for Human Rights, Greenpeace, People Who Don't Like Grapefruit Juice-everyone has an obnoxious and perky representative who will get in your face and ask for a moment of your time. They want to solicit your sympathy and understanding, and eventually your credit card information.

Sidebar: There is no acceptable way of saying "no" when someone asks you, "Can you spare two minutes for orphaned children who have no shoes and are stricken with polio?". However you dress it up-you're gonna come off looking like an asshole. Example- "I'm sorry, I'm late for a meeting now. I don't have the time." "Oh, that's OK. The orphans have all the time in the world to DIE OF POLIO." Yikes.

Anyway, I was walking through Grand Central Station this morning, and straight ahead was one of these pamphlet whores. He was from "Jesus for Jews". Not "Jews for Jesus", "Jesus for Jews". I guess there's a difference between the two groups, though I couldn't tell you what it is. I think maybe one of them has a serious relationship with Christ, while the other one's just phoning it in for community service hours or something.

So I'm maybe three people away from this guy, getting ready to do my patented 'hand up/head shake' motion; when this girl to the left of me changes her direction and goes out of her way to step up to him and take a pamphlet.

What?!?! I know it might not seem like a big deal, but what?!?!?! Nobody takes the pamphlets unless there appears to be no way around it. But she acted like she wanted the pamphlet. Like she was actually interested in whatever this patchouli-soaked go-getter had to tell her.

I couldn't help it. I walked right past her as she was looking the information over, and I was like, "You liar."

Super long story short-I'm owed a punch in the mouth by one Jew for Jesus.

Or else by someone who thinks Jesus is for the Jews.

Not that it matters. I gave at the office.


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