Comedian Erin Conroy: The Year of the Jackalope

Comedian Erin Conroy

Thursday, January 04, 2007

The Year of the Jackalope

2007. Hells yeah. So far it's shaping up to be everything I dreamed and more. And my propensity for sarcasm is stronger than ever!!!

But I am optimistic about this year. I have to be-it's only 4 days in. Come January 12th I think I'll be more inclined to anticipate the worst out of my fellow man and all marine mammals. Sea otters...don't say I didn't warn you.

I spent this past New Year's Eve in the last place I ever expected: Times Square. I wasn't in the streets with all the douchebags from TRL, but rather in a bar a half a block away. It wasn't as insane and lawless as I had originally feared, and the night was enjoyable. The highlight of the holiday came well before midnight:

The bar we were at was on 48th street, between Broadway and 8th avenue. As it drew nearer to midnight, there were blockades on the avenues, so you could only gain access to the streets if you had a ticket to one of the establishments there. This made for excellent people watching, especially as the night progressed and alcohol thinned everyone's blood.

At one point, there was a bit of a to-do close to one of the barricades on the street. There was this guy who was indescribably inebriated and could barely stand, having some sort of argument with his girlfriend. One of the cops working there asked him to get up on his feet and stop making a scene. This is when everyone around the drunk guy realized that he had pulled his pants down to his knees. Now, this is all speculation, but I'm assuming he was in the process of removing both his pants and his underwear to take care of business. Not the easy kind of business, but the kind you'd prefer to have a newspaper for. HA!

Anyway-apparently his bowels got tired of waiting for his motor skills to realign themselves, and he had the most embarassing of accidents. This accident had seriously stained both his underwear and his pants. Oh God, it was horrific. When his girlfriend saw it, she let out a scream like she was being murdered. And then the cop saw it, shook his head, and said, "There's no way I'm f-ing dealing with that.", and walked away. There are no words-it was priceless.

Later on, when the crowds had subsided and I was walking back to the Subway, I saw a lonely pair of Dockers on the side of the road. Amazing. What did he wear home?!?!?!? Thank you, drunk asshole, for making my New Year's Eve the best in years. The rest of 2007 is going to have to pull out all the stops to top that.



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