Comedian Erin Conroy: Erin - 1, Spiders - Also 1

Comedian Erin Conroy

Friday, June 15, 2007

Erin - 1, Spiders - Also 1

I live alone. I have lived alone for 4 years now. I love living alone. If the apartment is messy, there's no one to blame but myself. When I stumble in drunk on a Tuesday morning and decide that I want to make mashed potatoes and watch "Spongebob Squarepants"; I don't have to worry about waking anyone up and being forced to share my potatoes. Shadowpuppet shows? 7 nights a week when you live alone, my friend.

Of course, every now and then situations arise that would be much easier to deal with if I had a roommate. Bringing an air conditioner up a flight of stairs for example; it's much easier to do if there are two people to carry it, and if one of those two people isn't wearing rollerskates.

Wednesday night was a perfect example of a time when it would have been advantageous to have had someone else around to lend a hand.

I saw a spider up on the ceiling of my apartment, by the window that leads out onto my fire escape. I don't like spiders. Fact of the matter is, I hate spiders. I've seen "Arachnophobia", and "Krull", and the Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie "Ice Spiders". I know that these 8-legged bastards are just waiting for the right moment to jump in my face and kill me totally dead with their poisons.

So naturally I was both terrified and angered by this egregious intrusion. Who did this spider think he was? I'd show him! And I'd send a message to all his no-good spider friends in the process. The spider was too high above me to just smash with a shoe, which is my preffered MO. So I looked around for something I could hit it with that could reach the ceiling without my having to climb on anything. My Swiffer Sweeper seemed to be the perfect length, so I lined up underneath the spider, and smashed it. I smashed it good! I totally got that spider!!

My elation was short-lived however, because apparently the force from my justified attack on the arachnid interloper was a little extreme. No sooner was I celebrating my victory, than I saw the lamp globe from my overhead light in the kitchen start to vibrate, and then smash to the ground. And I mean smash. This friggin' thing shattered into one million pieces all over my floor. I stood in disbelief, with mouth agape, in a sea of glass shards. And of course I was in my bare feet, because only jerks walk around in shoes in their own apartment. So it was at this point that I wished there was someone else in my apartment who could come to my rescue, and at least clear a path through the glass so I could get to my shoes. That would've been sweet.

But there was no one but me, so I closed my mouth and got to work making a pathway for myself. One hour later I felt fairly confident I had gotten all the glass, and with minimal damage to my hands and feet. All in all, I think I came out on top. Because the spider? He's dead. Totally dead. And me? I'm just a little cut up.

Who's laughing now, spiders? Who's laughing and bleeding now?


At 9:13 AM, Blogger Sara said...

You just made me laugh my ass off!

At 4:46 AM, Blogger Chris said...

Now I feel guilty about not coming over to watch Top Chef.

Also, shadow-puppet parties when you can't sleep are the BEST THING EVER!


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