Did You Eat All My G*dd*mn Peanut Butter Again?!?!

Tomorrow begins a social experiment the likes of which have never been seen. My friend and comedy colleague Ryan Conner is moving to NYC; and he needs to get an apartment and sort out some comedy bidness before he settles in here. So while he is in NYC taking care of said bidness over the next couple of weeks, he will be staying with me.

This should be hilarious. Ryan is pretty chill, so I can't see us really getting on each other's nerves. However-Ryan does have an unhealthy obsession with the films of Melanie Griffith, and I'm just afraid I'll be stuck watching "Milk Money" all week.

I haven't had particularly stellar experiences with roommates in the past. (NOT including you, Hoochie. Obviously!) This is why I've been living on my own for the past 3 years. Ryan is only staying with me for a few days at a time; but I have already sent him a list of ground rules so as to avoid any possible confrontations:

1.) You break it, you bought it. And every single thing in my apartment costs over $524,000.

2.) No talking during The Tony Danza Show

3.) My toenails aren't going to clip themselves!

4.) You will be timed in the shower. If you take longer than 8 minutes, I'll shoot you in the kneecaps. It's good for the environment!

5.) Don't look at me. What makes you think you can look at me?!?!

6.) CandyLand Thursdays! 4 Times a week!!

Yes, I think this is gonna work out juuuust fine...