The Crystal Shard

So I'm relaxing at home last night, enjoying a bottle of wine, (don't worry-I still prefer boxes of vino, they're just harder to come by in my neck of Brooklyn), when I saw the preview for the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.

Now, I'll be honest with you; I find a lot of things wrong with this flick already, and I only caught a 60-second preview. First problem: It's entirely animated. No giant turtles suits with actors almost certainly suffocating inside? Second problem: They were trying to make it look all bad-ass and super serious; like that stupid Batman cartoon that was on years ago. All darkness and shadows and intense facial expressions. And not one mention of pizza. Ridiculous. Third (and biggest) problem: I don't know this for sure yet, but I have a sneaking suspicion they have someone else doing the voice for Donatello. And by someone else, I mean someone that isn't Corey Feldman. And if that's the case, then I'm just not interested. Corey Feldman is to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as David Lee Roth is to a proper Van Halen reunion. (Sorry Sammy)

That all being said, I still got a kick out of watching the preview and remembering how much I LOVED the Turtles cartoon as a kid. It got me to thinking-and I'm sure the wine didn't hurt my train of thought either-about how great an impression the shows and movies that I watched as a kid left on me. I loved the characters, enjoyed the adventures, and yes-even learned a few lessons. Lessons I could continue to apply, even as I got older...

Here are a few examples:

G.I. Joe-It's important to love your country and be willing to sacrifice anything for it. Even your sense of fashion. (I'm looking at you, Gung-Ho) Also, all enemies of the USA are over-actors, with vaguely Eastern-European accents and a penchant for tight, form-fitting bodysuits.

The Wuzzles-Genetic engineering and gene-splicing will bring about a new era of monstrous deformities and nightmarish creatures that will eventually destroy all humankind.

The Neverending Story-I really do have some spectacular part to play in all the books I'm reading to escape my soul-crushing existence! And any day now, my favorite book will come to life and take me away on a magical journey! Come on, "Sweet Valley High: Two Boy Weekend"!!

Them!-Seeing giant ants kill your whole family while most likely make you catatonic. Especially if it all happens in black and white as opposed to Technicolor.

Gummi Bears-Drugs can be fun, especially when they make you bounce high and fast or give you superhuman strength. But the effects will eventually wear off; leaving you to clean up a mess of broken bottles, bones, and various forest creatures. In other words-the mess you've made with your life.

Labyrinth-Tremble before the awesome power of David Bowie's trouser bulge! You can't look away! But it makes you so uncomfortable! Also, don't wish your family away-no matter how loud or dressed in striped pajamas they are-because you could go through hell on Earth trying to get them back. But mostly, Bowie's bulge.


And the list goes on and on. I'll put more down if anybody is still reading my blog after this entry. (Ian? Have I lost you already?)

Shows: October 6th and October 20th. Will you be in NYC? Then you should come down to the New York Comedy Club or the Laugh Lounge respectively. And then you should hang out for the weekend. Come on! We'll go to the zoo! It'll be like old times! Before the...you know...cops and all the unpleasantness. I still love you!

(Awkward blog ending)