Archie the 84 lb. Baby

That's the actual title of a show on the Discovery Health channel.

A show about an abnormally large child.

An abnormally large child named Archie.

If you know what's good for you-you'll watch it.

I feel like there's a lot to write about, but I'm too flippin lazy. So instead, I have gone into old e-mails I have saved in my account. After reading a few from waaaay back, I have decided that almost every e-mail exchange I have is testament to both my greatness; and my need for professional help.

But man, some of them made me laugh out loud. So I've decided to share my gift of e-mail absurdity with you all. The following are a random sampling of things I have written to intelligent, caring human beings. And no, I have no idea what I was on at the time:

-"The details aren't important. What's important is that I'm a Flinstone Kid, and we're ten million strong and growing. That's right, we're an unholy army of the night and we won't rest until we have every single cherry cobbler from every single Swanson's frozen dinner ever made. I don't wannnnnnna eat my steak! I just want dessert!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-"You're so predictable, what with your "caramel corn" and your "Shrinky Dink Parties". You make me sick."

-"Last night I got to get some grocery shopping done, and continue work on my memoirs. "My Memoirs" is code for the molotov cocktails I have been stockpiling in my closet. Refuse me store credit, will you?!?! Well, you'll get your come-uppance Fashion Bug!!!!!"


Yes, just some of the hilarity that takes place when I work my magic on the keyboard. I actually have some hysterical e-mails that other people wrote to me-and as soon as I talk to my lawyer and check if everything's kosher, I'll post those.

And that's the equivalent of a clip show for a blog. Frivolous sh*t I've already written and at least one person has already read.

And if the 7 people that read this blog are unhappy with it, please forward me a self-addressed stamped envelope. I will send you an official apology (apology may not be official), two tickets to an NCAA tournament game (tickets are to a 'Peter Paul and Mary' show in Scranton 6 years ago) and personally do my very best to work on producing the high-quality blog you have all become so accustomed to reading (author makes no promises, is already half in the bag and wonders sometimes 'where in the hell you people get off anyway' ).

Archie for President!