Drunken Burlesque Girls Are HILARIOUS!!!

So my friend Katy and I went to a comedy show in the East Village on Thursday night. It was an interesting show, to say the least-and she kept reminding me that it was, what was the word she used? I forget. Something along the lines of "experimental" comedy. Or "absurd" comedy. Well, whatever it was-I've certainly never seen a show where a man mixes drinks full of sausages onstage. Kudos, New York-you've opened my eyes.

But the real party started after the show. The club that the comedy was in, was to be followed by a burlesque show. An actual burlesque show. Wow. So Katy and I got our things together and headed outside. We were standing by the entrance for a while talking to a couple comics, when this one girl who was heading into the club with her suitcase full of booby tassles stopped and quite earnestly forced her way into the conversation. It went something like this:

Katy: I know-he is kind of good-looking. But he's just not that funny...

Drunk Bitch: (To myself and Katy) LADIES!!! Are you....are you ladies on the show tonight?

Me: Ummm....do we look like we're on the show?

Drunk Bitch: Well, you've got ta-tas, don't you? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm sorry, that was crazy of me! But you know who is good-looking?? My boyfriend.

Katy: That's GREAT for you. (She tries to turn away)

Drunk Bitch: He is! He's a DREAMBOAT! But he's kind of a loser. Oh my GOD! I don't even mean that! But he is. He is. HE IS! I'm sorry.........I should call him.......this guy here kind of looks like him.....HEY! Get back here!

Me: Well, it's getting kind of late....and seeing as how you're kind of terrifying...

Drunk Bitch: I have a tattoo of a butterfly!

(Silence)

Drunk Bitch: Have you guys ever seen a butterfly?

(Silence)

Drunk Bitch: Well I LOVE butterflies. Butterflies and dolphins. I think my next tattoo will be a dolphin. I have to go now! Go onstaaaaaaaage! That's what I do! But we should get together, OK? We'll go to dinner. Or I'll cook dinner! Yeah! Call me!!!

Then she blew us all kisses and stumbled inside. Everything in me was telling me to go in and watch her vomit on herself during a dance to "Lady Marmalade", but it was late. And I had to get home.

Newsflash: This weekend I'll be back in DC from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. For revelry and cock-fights. And bowling.

Oh, and finally-I must reference the two words that brought me the most joy at the aforementioned comedy show: punctured starfish.

Oh man, that's good.

A Shout Out To Dizzle

My friend JD pointed out, rather grudgingly, that I have given him no shout-outs on my blog. I find this hard to believe-but I am also far too lazy to go back and re-read the drivel I try to pass off as an entertaining read, so I'll just give him a shout-out now:

JD, you are the hippiest honky-ass hippie I have ever known. You spill rum far too easily, but you play a mean drumset. Did I mention the hippie factor? God, you are just a smelly, patchouli-ridden hippie. You wear shirts that say things like, "Give a Hoot-Vote Green Party", and it makes me laugh when you weep about Phish. But your girlfriend is cool and you're a fun drunk. Sorry you got mugged. The Derick impressions are spot on. I guess whatI'm trying to say is-"I love you, Dizzle. Now get a job, you lazy hippie."

That's right. I adore my friends.

So New York New York. I have gotten a job, so the money woes have been stymied for the time being. Not that I have so much money that I'm buying solid gold hookers and Waterford crystal crack pipes or anything; but at least I can pay the rent.

My friend Melissa came in this weekend to visit. Melissa is one of the best friends I have ever have, and her visit this weekend made it very clear why: Melissa likes getting drunk and watching TV as much as I do. The farthest we ventured out of my apartment was to check out a couple of bars in the Brooklyn area on Saturday night. The rest of the time we were drunk and theorizing about the non-existent morals of the people on the Next bus and why they don't make shows like ALF anymore. I think it was the ASPCA's involvement. They intervened on behalf of all the cats.

And here's a plug: I Love The 80s-The Board Game is the best thing that ever happened to drunken assholes. Don't believe me? Get as many Olde English and King Cobra 40s as your little arms can carry, down them, and then try and sing the words to "Faithfully" by Journey. I know. You're laughing already.

I have a problem with New Yorkers that can't walk in a straight line down the street. They weave here and there, stop in the middle of the sidewalk, and move slower than a stroke victim on a rascal. In DC everyone thinks they're the most important person in the whole world, and that if they don't knock people over on their way up the Metro steps, the universe might collapse in on itself. That's how you get a city moving. Fill it with delusional Hill staffers.

Heading out to some stand-up shows this week. Let's just say that my NYC Improv comedy experience left a little to be desired, so here's hoping the stand-up is an entirely different animal.

Like a jackalope.

Up and Running

The geniuses at "We Don't Discriminate Unless You're Ugly" Inc. have gotten my website up and running. Thank you Jeremy for your skill and commitment to the project. Your post-dated check is in the mail. And thank you, Tony-for always believing that I was the single dumbest computer-illiterate you've ever met. I appreciate your support.

Now all can check it out at www.erinconroy.com

They wrote some nice things about me. And as soon as I get the password-I'll be erasing all of it.

NYC

I'm here. Here in NY. My apartment is slowly coming together, and I'm about to hit the streets looking for a "job". And by "job" I mean a goodly "John" who takes pity on me and my hard-luck situation and becomes my sugar-Daddy.

You hear me, Larry Poon?