Comedian Erin Conroy: April 2006

Comedian Erin Conroy

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I Don't Get It

What is the obsession with MySpace?!?!

You go online, write the same tired crap about yourself that you put on every other personals/networking site, maybe post a few really great candid pictures of you and your friends, and voila! You are officially inducted into the single most happenin' online community out there right now.

(I say right now because I am simply anticipating the day that the "V" miniseries fansites finally receive the accolades they deserve and become so popular that every other online site is overtaken and we all start developing a taste for gerbils.........) (FYI-Right on to the 3 people that got that reference)

Now before you post a mean comment on my page, yes, I have a MySpace profile myself. But I joined a couple of years ago at the behest of a friend with a new DSL line and a lot of free time. I have never really updated my MySpace page or really given much thought to it at all. I never even go to MySpace unless I get an e-mail telling me someone else wants to be my friend, or has posted a comment about me, or has sent me a rather lewd and tasteless message.

But now I have a photo up, and am seriously considering going back to update my profile with my favorite movies, TV shows and hobbies. Why?

Because MySpace is taking over. It's in the papers, on the news, people brag about how many MySpace friends they have, and you're even scoffed at if your profile isn't up to snuff (see my profile). It's enough to make a girl wonder what's in the Kool-Aid over there at MySpace HQ.

Maybe I'm missing some amazing aspect of MySpace that everyone else is already enjoying. Maybe there's a key combination or password that's revealed to you only after acquiring 536 friends, and this key combination, when pressed correctly at exactly three minutes into a lunar eclipse; opens a new window on your computer that lets you see into the future. Or maybe it's just a really super way to meet people for no-strings-attached sexual encounters, or as I like to call them, "business connections".

Anyhoo-I guess what I'm really driving at is this: while the true magic of MySpace seems to have eluded me so far, I won't dismiss it's potential too quickly. I mean-who knows? My opinions could completely change, and I could soon be touting the merits of MySpace and preaching to others of its greatness.

Just like I did with cell phones and Sisters With Voices.

Have you found SWV yet?

Monday, April 10, 2006

Did You Eat All My G*dd*mn Peanut Butter Again?!?!

Tomorrow begins a social experiment the likes of which have never been seen. My friend and comedy colleague Ryan Conner is moving to NYC; and he needs to get an apartment and sort out some comedy bidness before he settles in here. So while he is in NYC taking care of said bidness over the next couple of weeks, he will be staying with me.

This should be hilarious. Ryan is pretty chill, so I can't see us really getting on each other's nerves. However-Ryan does have an unhealthy obsession with the films of Melanie Griffith, and I'm just afraid I'll be stuck watching "Milk Money" all week.

I haven't had particularly stellar experiences with roommates in the past. (NOT including you, Hoochie. Obviously!) This is why I've been living on my own for the past 3 years. Ryan is only staying with me for a few days at a time; but I have already sent him a list of ground rules so as to avoid any possible confrontations:

1.) You break it, you bought it. And every single thing in my apartment costs over $524,000.

2.) No talking during The Tony Danza Show

3.) My toenails aren't going to clip themselves!

4.) You will be timed in the shower. If you take longer than 8 minutes, I'll shoot you in the kneecaps. It's good for the environment!

5.) Don't look at me. What makes you think you can look at me?!?!

6.) CandyLand Thursdays! 4 Times a week!!

Yes, I think this is gonna work out juuuust fine...

Thursday, April 06, 2006

I'm Gonna Punch You In The Ovary. Straight Shot...Right In The Baby-Maker

Well folks, Danny Rouhier has stepped to me one too many times. This is his blog entry from today.

So now I have been drawn into the seedy underbelly of "blog-offs". I must respond to Danny's listing of my foibles; or my street cred will forever be questioned, my homies will be gunned down, and I might have to start paying for my cable. So in response, here are reasons why I am pissed at Rouhier. Or if you don't believe that-here is a list of reasons why Rouhier is a jive-ass turkey. Can you dig it?

- Danny won an open mic contest I was hosting once about 3 years ago. The prize was $150. I gave him the first $75, and then I think I went shoe shopping. Because Danny's punk-ass never called me on it (I mean really called me on it-with baseball bats and everything), I have since turned to a life of crime; getting involved in everything from the international heroin trade to knocking over lemonade stands.

- One time when I was out drinking with Danny, I fell down and cut my knee up real bad. It was bleeding all over the place. Danny gave me the paper plate his slice of pizza had been resting on to soak up the blood. If he had been a real friend, he also would have given me the pizza.

-I'm 99% sure I've seen Danny out in public-on two separate occasions-wearing a sweater vest. And I think they were two different sweater vests. This can only mean he owns more than one sweater vest. Oh, Danny! Get help!

-Danny leaves the best voicemail messages EVER. But they leave me comparing all the other voicemails I receive to his. And that's unfair. Because you can't compare, "Hey Erin. It's Tim. Call me back.", to "CoooooonROY! Conroy. You assssshole. I fuckin' love you, man. You are a good comic. But you know what? So am I. I saw this guy tonight...he had huuuge ears. And then I totally hooked up! She was hot. I think she was hot. Tell me if you think she's hot. Remember that time when I was at the place, with the....HAHAHAHA! Got you, CooooonROY. You were all like, 'Oh, whatever!', and I was like, 'Yeah, I ate ALL OF IT!' And that's why no one even watches MacGyver anymore and that's a shame. Conroy-I gotta go buy some beef jerky. Later. I'm out. But wait-did I tell you...." Glorious.

-Bullshit you went to GW, Danny. Bullshit. I didn't see YOU falling down the Smith Center stairs during a Colonials pep rally due to copious amounts of SoCo. Did you think you could just "phone it in" from the "baseball team" you were allegedly on? I hope you're comfortable atop your throne of lies.

I'm leaving work now. So it's your move, Rouhier.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Still Here, Still Funky

I know. I'm sorry. I haven't even been busy. I've been lazy. But I do have a new job.

That's right, folks! 3 jobs in 3 months! How does she do it????

I'm working for the Irish government again. The best fit seeing as how I've spent my last 5 years working for them in some facet or another.

So everything's gravy. Don't ask me about comedy. I'll do it this weekend. No, I will! Get off my back! God, you're not even my real Mom.

I have a million shout-outs and topics of discussion. But this is also my night to run errands, so oh well. But I will do bullet points of topics so you all know what's on my mind. And mayhaps I'll actually get around to writing about some of these things next time!

-Danny Rouhier has started a blog showdown with me. I was unaware of this. I'm sorry Danny. I promise next time I log on I'll tell people how fat your mother is and why you be all dancing like a fool at the Club. Oh it's on, son.

-What's with everyone getting married and knocked up these days? Seriously everyone-you are killing my buzz. Don't say I didn't warn you. Don't come knocking on my door in 12 years; when you're emotionally satisfied with your families and careers, and worried about my increasingly common fits of sobbing at the Outback Steakhouse. I assure you I won't answer, because I will almost certainly have drowned in a bathtub full of moonshine. So don't come knocking. I'm just saving you a trip.

-Tim Doyle. (Shaking my head) Another one bites the dust. I promise an Embassy-related blog ASAP.

-Congrats to my friend Sara who is in the middle of raising money for a marathon she is doing in Alaska. Overachieving whore. (Love you Hooch!)

-The NY Rangers have made the playoffs for the first time since (I'm pretty sure) 1997. Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

-Does anyone I know watch the Sopranos? Because, come on! Paulie?!? Enough with him, already.

That's all I can think of right now. Sorry. Sub-par. I will write again soon, and the post will be rife with jokes about polio, and allusions to the work of Stan and Jan Berenstein.

Thank you Berenstein Bears, for keeping me in school and out of the Crips.