Chris Simon is a Disgrace

For those of you (most of you) that don't know:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/columns/story?columnist=burnside_scott&id=3161080

Chris Simon (former Washington Capital, for all my DC peeps) has been suspended for an unprecedented 30 games for stepping on Jarkko Ruutu (Pittsburgh) during the game on Saturday night. This isn't the first time he's been suspended for unwarranted and excessive violence - check out his suspension history.

He should be f**king banned from the NHL - never allowed to play professionally again. It wouldn't be any great loss, his merits as a player are always going to be overshadowed by what a goon he is on the ice.

On the other hand - I went to the Rangers/Coyotes game on Sunday, and sat 7 rows behind the Phoenix bench. Do you know what that means?? (Bob does. Take it, Bob!) I was 7 rows behind Wayne Gretzky. WAYNE GRETZKY!! The greatest to ever play the game, and one of my personal heroes. It was incredible, and a welcome distraction from the pitiful Rangers performance. The final score isn't important - I have a cell phone picture of Wayne Gretzky.

I love hockey. I hate Chris Simon.

And What Have You Done For America Lately?

The other day on the phone my sister said something that I considered to be unpatriotic. So I told her to change her attitude right quick, or else I would stab her through the heart with the American Flag. After a few moments of silence she hung up.

USA! USA! USA!

Anyhoo - I have a show on Tuesday, January 22nd at Gotham Comedy Club. That's right - a club I haven't been at before. You should come! I have no further details at this time.

2008 is going to be a banner year for me and my comedy! And also for my American Flag throwing skills, if a certain Commie-loving sister of mine doesn't toe the line.

Lights, Please

Christmas season has pushed itself on top of us, like so many drunken frat guys at a kegger. But unlike the drunken frat guys, Christmas doesn't just want to puke in your hair and promise to call - Christmas wants your money, too. All of your money.

I decided to try and get some of my shopping done this past weekend. But I wanted to shop in a really festive environment - surrounded by no less than 2,000 people pushing and sneezing and talking extra-loud on their cell phones. So naturally I headed to the Macy's in Herald Square. After a couple of hours of shopping, I hadn't gotten a lot of the things I needed, but I had reached my breaking point. It was either leave immediately, or bludgeon the woman in front of me on the escalator - who wouldn't shut up about "the way slacks are made these days" in between her wet hacking coughs - with the "Dora the Explorer" doll she had tucked into her arm-fat-fold.


Mmmmm....the Holidays.


Buying presents for all the people on your list can be really stressful. Will they like this gift? Do they already have that one? Will giving him this violate his parole?, etc. So in order to lighten the load, here are a few examples of past presents I've received that really knocked my socks off. (Fell free to use these gift ideas for family, friends, stalkees.)

A beer helmet. This bad boy is an awesome conversation starter when you're pulled over on the side of the road and a State Trooper is approaching your car.

Rollerskates. Rollerskates are just awesome. It's a fact. Look it up on Wikipedia, jerk.

One glorious birthday, I got hot dogs. But not regular hot dogs - those hot dogs filled with cheese. Don't be so jealous - it doesn't become you.

And just in case any of you were wondering what to get the girl who already owns a beer helmet and roller skates, here are some gifts I would love to receive this year (Hint! Hint!):

Giggles cookies. Are they still as delicious as they were in 1984? Let's find out come Christmas morn!!

The majestic California Condor. I'll need two.

And a pile of grenades. It doesn't have to look exactly like this one - just use it as a guideline.

And of course, my most important Christmas wish of all: That you don't ask any questions.

Fa la la la la la la la laaaaaaa!!!