Comedian Erin Conroy: May 2007

Comedian Erin Conroy

Thursday, May 31, 2007

A Post For Dorks

"Transformers" isn't even out yet, and BAM! We've got more 80s cartoons being turned into movies.

First up: He-Man. That's right, He-Man. I loved He-Man when I was a kid. Castle Grayskull was on my list of "Top Ten Places I'd Rather Be Living Than Stupid HERE". (It was right after the Forest of Feelings, and right before the house at the end of the street that had a Power Wheels and a trampoline.) He-Man kicked ass, he rode a giant panther, and he pulled off a pageboy haircut. What's not to idolize?

But what am I even more excited about? Voltron the movie. VOLTRON!!! It's about time!!! Voltron fans suffered at the hands of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers for too long without any respite. And now finally we're gonna get to see five whiny teens race to battle in color-coded robots that are shaped like lions. Lions that each emerge from wildly different dens; one is underwater, one is from some rocks I think, and one might be from lava or something. The lesson to be learned from Voltron is as follows: When you forget about petty differences and accept everyone you meet as a friend and equal, and then organize said group of friends into drivers of various robot body parts, you can create a singular being so powerful that it could totally kick some Zarkon ass. And who knows? You may make some pretty great friends along the way.

Stanley Cup news: Ottawa is getting their comeuppance, as they are down 2 games in the series. Karma.

My comedy news: Come to the Broadway Comedy Club on June 21st and check it. $5 at the door.

You're awesome. If we were forming a giant robot - you would be the head.

Thursday, May 24, 2007


I don't know why I've been spending so much time worrying about bears. While it's true bears have been spotted in our neighborhoods and above-ground pools at a fairly alarming rate recently; they also tend to climb up a tree and get shot with a tranquilizer before they do any significant damage.

Not monkeys/apes/gorillas though. I mentioned an article about an escaped gorilla in a Dutch zoo in my last entry. And then today, this:

Tell me that's not one of the scariest things you could have lumbering towards you.
Simians. This girl's vote for the #1 terror threat right now. Hide your bananas and children.

Lately there seems to be a marked increase (at least among my friends and loved ones) in interest in both pirates and zombies. Now, this could be attributed to the films "28 Weeks Later" and "Pirates of the Caribbean"; or everyone I associate with could just be really into plundering and eating brains. Whatever the reason, I refuse to get swept up in the craze. Personally, I don't find zombies or pirates terribly interesting.

What do I find interesting? Sasquatch. Where's he been at lately? I could stand to see more of him. Also stories about grifter kids making good, like this one. And shows that promise the World's most "amazing", "terrifying" or "dangerous" videos.

In fact...Good God. I may have just accidentally created the formula for the perfect TV show: An 11-year old con man is living his dangerous life on the streets, when one day he tries to swindle Bigfoot in a game of Three Card Monty. Bigfoot is angry at first, but then the two form an unlikely friendship. They join forces and succeed in cornering the "shock video" market; thanks in no small part to Bigfoot's willingness to maul innocent passerby. After 3 or 4 seasons, one of them will die in a tragic motorcycle accident that the other was filming for the Incredible Motorcycle Jumps and Yeti Attacks installment in their video series, and the series will end to critical acclaim. The End.

Come on. ABC is broadcasting an hour-long Bingo show on Friday nights. Greenlight this shit.

Friday, May 18, 2007

"You Could Have Gotten It From Having Sex With An Ape..." "No WAY."

That was my favorite quote from the Ricky Gervais show I saw last night. He was fantastic - so much of his comedy is about delivery and animation and energy, and I don't know a lot of comics who could make the topics he chose as funny as he did. Oh, Ricky! You are the living end!!

Even greater news: I booked my tickets to the Crowded House show! After sweating profusely while hunched over my keyboard waiting for 10am and the release of the pre-sale tickets, I was rewarded with pretty great seats. Now I just have to kill time until the concert, as well as the people in rows 1-13.

Totally True Fact: If you are a man, and you put smiley face icons or write "LOL" anywhere in your e-mails, you are a pansy. Sorry - but it's a scientific fact.

There was a story about an escaped gorilla on today. Gorillas escaping? That's pretty funny. Even funnier? CNN has a habit of listing the most important points of a report at the top so the busy websurfer can get the gist of the story and continue on their way. These were the briefing points for the gorilla story:

Story Highlights
• 180 kilogram (400 pound) gorilla escapes enclosure, causes chaos in Dutch zoo
• Four people hurt; one woman bitten, grabbed as ape runs amok in restaurant
• Gorilla finally barricaded in restaurant, shot with a sedative dart and recaptured
• Unclear how ape scaled high walls and crossed moat -- gorillas can't swim

My favorite part?

• Unclear how ape scaled high walls and crossed moat -- gorillas can't swim

Amazing. It's like an excerpt from the one befuddled zoo security guy they were able to get an interview with. "I don't know how he got past the moat, you know? Gorillas can't....well, they can't swim....I don't think...." Also, the gorilla was running "amok". What does that mean? Was he ringing doorbells and then running away? Putting sugar in gas tanks? Or was he just trying to eat human flesh?

I have been hesitant to mention the Sabres, as it seems every time I do they lose a game to Ottawa. But Game 5 is tomorrow night, and they're fighting to stay in it.

Atta boys.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Scene From A Hateful Elevator

F.G. : Flower Delivery Guy
R.G.: Random Guy
Me: Yours Truly

Scene: An elevator in a building in New York City

(Fade In, as elevator door opens and I enter the cab)

R.G.: But, what did she say?

F.G.: All she said was 'I don't want those. Get them out of here.'

(F.G. motions to large, elaborate bouquet of flowers he is holding and nods to me)

Me: What happened?

R.G.: Wait till you hear this!

F.G.: I went upstairs to deliver this bouquet to a lady up there. When I got there, she made a horrible face at me and told me to take them away. Now I have to take them back to the store. No refund for the guy who bought 'em though.

Me: Ouch.

R.G.: Did you read the card?

F.G.: You think I should? I will....

(F.G. puts down bouquet, reads card attached to it, and whistles softly.)

R.G.: Come on, man. You have to tell us what it says.

F.G.: It says, 'I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you.'

(Silence fills the elevator)

F.G.: Dag, that's cold.

Me: No, that's hilarious.

(As the elevator doors open in the lobby, all three go their separate ways, each one laughing at the stranger's misfortune.)


Tuesday, May 15, 2007


-Crowded House has finally announced their NYC tour dates!! I am ecstatic!!! Two nights at the Beacon Theatre, and I'm gonna go to both. Just see if I don't! I'm gonna be that girl in the audience who's a little too into the music. Singing along with every song, shooting dirty looks at anyone who tries to discuss anything other than the band, and inevitably breaking into heaving sobs about halfway through their set. It's going to be magical.

They have just recently announced a whole mess of US tour dates, so if you wanna check out some fantastic music, check out their myspace page, and find out where you can see them live! (I'm referring to the Boston show, Victor and Emily and Josh and Matt. You know you want it)

-My second favorite band of all time is back in a big way. Check it.

-My downstairs neighbor Daniel has decided he's on his own reality show. His challenge is to completely renovate the mess that is the backyard of our house. His time frame? It needs to be done in time for a BBQ on Sunday. His audience? Any one of us that happens to pass by a window to see him cursing at the ground. It has proven extremely entertaining for the past week, and I really am rooting for Daniel to succeed. Not because I support him or anything, but because I enjoy BBQs. Especially hot dogs.

-SPECIFIC NOTE FOR ONE PERSON: Hey, dmmartin, person who left the comment on my last blog entry: Dave? Is that you?!? I tried looking you up a couple times when I moved here, but I couldn't find you! Let's get together and drink beer! My number's the same as it was in DC.

-FOLLOW-UP NOTE: Hey, dmmartin, if you're not my friend Dave from DC; sorry. I was just at StandUp NY a few weeks ago, but I will do my damndest to get back up there. Because even though I don't know you....I love you. And I always have.

-Shhhhhh....Sabres still have one game left to make it right.

Friday, May 11, 2007

I Wonder What This Says About Me.....

I just saw an ad for an upcoming double-billed concert featuring Chicago and America. And I got really excited. Like, "looking up ticket prices" excited.

There's no hope for me.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

It's Over Now

Alright. The Rangers/Sabres playoff series is over. It ended on Sunday, and the Sabres won the series 4 games to 2. I know I said Buffalo really needed this win, and I do still feel that way. But it's still rough to see my Rangers get bounced; regardless of who does it. But I've taken the time to heal, and there's no need to keep playing the last few seconds of the 3rd period of game 5 over and over again in my mind. It's time to move on.

Because tonight the Conference finals begin, y'all!!! And the Sabres had better win it all, now that they forced the Blueshirts out. You hear me, Ottawa? I can't take two devastating playoff losses in a row. So play like the pansies you are, and roll over for the Sabres. Don't make me tell you twice. Either the Sabres win it all now, or I start cutting myself.

Hey! Hey everyone that's reading this blog! Are you tired of me writing about hockey yet? Well too bad! The season's not over until somebody hoists the Cup.

Anyhoo-I did a show at Mo Pitkins on Tuesday night. Lemme tell you why this show was a blast: two words, Larry, and Poon. I haven't seen Larry perform in months, so it was a real treat when I saw he was on the bill for Tuesday night. It was an even bigger treat when he came out on stage in an orange velour tracksuit with no shirt on. Incredible.

What else is going on? Did I tell you to see "Hot Fuzz" yet? I suppose I could look back at past entries and check, but frankly, I haven't got the time. Those craigslist "casual encounters" ads won't read themselves, people. So go see "Hot Fuzz". It's hilarious.

Meh. That's all I got in me. Hilarity coming soon. Scout's honor.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Don't You Think They've Suffered Enough?