Comedian Erin Conroy: November 2007

Comedian Erin Conroy

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Hey You Kids! Get Off Of My Brain!

Andy Rooney is f**king crazy.

Can anyone tell me why this cantankerous old geezer is still on television? Spouting his nonsensical diatribes against short pants and frozen yogurt, shaking his wrinkled fists at anyone under the age of 60 and passing judgement from atop his high Rascal? This must be some kind of inside joke over at "60 Minutes". That's the only explanation. The producers must get together every couple of weeks to think up different ways to angry up Rooney's blood, and then tape the resulting rant:

"Look at this! It's a magazine article about how more women are keeping their name after getting married. And how some women aren't getting married at all!!! Andy, have you seen this?"

"Pictures from my trip to Amsterdam. I'm just gonna leave these on Rooney's desk."

"Someone go take a picture of Andy with their IPhone. Hurry up - we've got a show to air."

I was unfortunate enough to catch the end of "60 Minutes" this past Sunday. Andy was disgusted by the kinds of bags people carry with them everywhere they go. And even more so when he actually took to the streets and asked people to show him what unspeakable things they had in said bags.

It was kind of amusing to see him get agitated about the number of people that had personal planners in their bags - but when he found out that almost everyone had a book, he got really up in arms. "Do you read this book on company time?!?!" "Is this what you do on your company's time?" "Are they paying you to read?!?" Every person that Andy interrogated replied that no, they didn't read at work, but liked to read during their commute. But Andy didn't believe them, and instead lamented the decline of the American work ethic.

You curmudgeonly old bastard. You know, Andy - not all of us fly to work in an old timey dirigible every day, listening to "The Green Hornet" broadcasts and working the pomade into our hair. You're old is what I'm saying. Real old. Stop worrying about when my generation is reading and start worrying about your grandkids stealing from your wallet when they come in for a hug. They don't really want to hug you. They want money for their cassette tapes and trips to the malt shoppe! The ungrateful sonsabitches!!


If I had to pick one word to describe the NY Comedy Scene, I would say" "reliable". When something is scheduled, that's it! It may as well have been scheduled in stone! You sure can set your watch to the NY Comedy Scene!

Oh sarcasm, thy name is Erin Conroy. My show originally scheduled for Friday at 8pm at StandUp NY has been moved to Friday at 9pm at the Underground Lounge. I don't even know where that is. But I know where it's not - and that's StandUp NY. Change your schedules accordingly. And don't hold your breath, as it may get cancelled all together.


But my show at the Broadway Comedy Club on Thursday at 9:30pm is still on. Party!

How was everyone's Thanksgiving? Mine was freezing. The weather may be why I haven't made it home for the past 7 or so Thanksgivings. Or else it's the cranberry sauce.

Now that Thanksgiving's over, all the tinsel and decorations that have been up since November 1st don't look quite as ridiculous. Which is good news for my neighborhood - which has had red and green garland choking every street lamp since October 12th. And silver bells on every drunk guy passed out in the street. Oh, the merry tinkling sound those little bells make every time a drunk guy stumbles into an alleyway to vomit, or takes a swing at a police officer! 'Tis the Season!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


I just spilled a big blob of that Purell Hand Sanitizer all over my desk. That just happened. I bring you information on my life in real time, peoples. Now I'm drinking coffee. It's like you're right here with me! And seeing as how you're here but not really doing anything, would you mind running to the store and picking me up some animal crackers? I don't know, I just have this intense craving for animal crackers. But get the ones in the red box that looks like a zoo car on the train. Yeah. No, there is a difference between those and other animal crackers, and I can taste it. Don't argue with me. Just go get my crackers. Thaaaaaank you.

I am heading home tonight for Thanksgiving. This is the first Thanksgiving in 8 years or so I'll be back in Buffalo. Gonna surprise a couple of family members by showing up unannounced, getting inexcusably drunk and horrible, threatening everyone with my Krav Maga skills and finally passing out on a pile of coats so no one can leave. Also I'll have chicken wings.

Shows shows shows - I've got 2 next week; on Thursday and Friday. Came you come to either one? Please let me know, as I've got to find out whether or not I have enough peoples for the bringer requirements. Thursday at the Broadway Comedy Club, Friday at StandUp NY. Wooooo! Comedy!!

I heard some huge news a little while ago, and I'd be remiss if I didn't share it: This guy is engaged. Peter Pan, the grown-ass man who wears tights every day and refuses to acknowledge that he is older than 5 years, has found his true love!

It's like a fairy tale come true, literally, as he is Peter Pan and she is Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz/Tinkerbell. And it just goes to show you, there's someone out there for everyone. Even if you wear stirrup pants. Especially if you wear stirrup pants.

Gifts of saddle shoes, magic wands and painkillers can be sent to the Second Star to the Right and Straight On Til Morning.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


I love that show. It's funny.

But that's not what this blog is about. It's about the future, as bleakly depicted on the Silver Screen.

How come the future that Hollywood creates for us is never positive? I can't remember the last time I saw a Jetsons-esque prediction of things to come. Show me flying cars, friendly robots who aren't trying to kill us or our kids, and maybe talking dogs or something.

But noooooooo. We get zombies, killer diseases, murderous androids that look like Rutger Hauer (scary!), martial law and nuclear annihilation. I know these things are all possibilities - especially the Rutger Hauerbots - but come on!

Let's see the lighter side of the not-so-distant future! Let's see a baseball game between Earth and the alien residents of Alpha Centauri; a game that decides who is ultimately the coolest life form in the universe. And oh no! We're down by three runs in the bottom of the 9th! But the bases are loaded, and Babe Ruth is striding to the plate. Oh yeah, in this future - we can bring dead sports stars back to life to kick ass in inter-galactic tournaments. Anyhoo, Ruth steps up to the plate and homers, and Earth wins the game!!! The Alpha Centaurians are gracious in defeat, however - and they give us the secret to eternal life, as well as a totally awesome recipe for taco dip. And then we all dance to "Louie, Louie" as the credits roll.

That's a future movie that needs to be made. You hear me, Spielberg?

Taking my obvious creative genius into account, two recent future movies that were very well done - even if there were no alien baseball teams to speak of - are "Children of Men" and "Idiocracy". Two very different films, I found myself thinking aloud as I watched each of them, "Yikes. That's probably going to happen."

Unless we can all unite as one human race and get to work on the flying cars and robot butlers. Because I'll tell you what - I'd much rather have a Rosie as a maid in my space house....

Than a human race incapable of reproducing or a moron for a President.

Oh.....Dear.....God......Maybe it's too late....

Friday, November 09, 2007


Blogging is hard for me. I try to put off writing an entry until I actually have something of interest to write about. However, ofttimes the things that I find blog-worthy seem so absurd and nonsensical that I end up putting them aside and writing about a TV show I saw instead. I suppose I shouldn't put so much emphasis on the quality of the blog, seeing as how maybe 4 people read it anyway and you guys are already convinced that I'm not quite right.

I read a few blogs myself, and I'm always kind of amused at how open and honest people can be. Something about the blog concept bespeaks intimacy, I guess. Either that, or people just can't seem to hide their emotions when posting a blog about a new sandwich they tried at Quiznos on a webpage covered with kittens.

But I am an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in an elaborate outfit made of tin foil and rubber bands (look out, Project Runway!), and I won't give of my deepest darkest secrets so easily. Unless I'm drunk. But I mean, really drunk. And even then I have to have been friends with you for years. Or at least one year. Unless you're a particularly engaging bartender. Or waiter. Or the guy sitting on the stool next to me trying to watch the Patriots game. Don't ignore me, Blue Hat!! I'm baring my soul here, the least you could do is make eye contact!

Other than that - I am impossible to read. And you'll just have to learn to love and respect the mystery that is me.

....Did I ever tell you I almost killed a guy one time?

Moving on - big CONGRATULATIONS going out to my friend and fellow entertainment sensation Larry Poon. Larry just won the Funniest Person in Baltimore contest on Wednesday night, and with it a cool $2,000. Which I hear is going straight to the orphans. Or the whore pens. I'm not sure which, I was barely listening.

Do you like vampire movies? Find the undead particularly fascinating? Are you a Goth, or a normal person? If you answered yes, yes, normal person respectively to those 3 questions, then you should check out "30 Days of Night" in theatres now. Really well done, with scary vampires and a satisfying ending.

If you answered yes, yes, Goth - then for Godssakes, go wash your face. Your grandmother is coming over for dinner and it would just kill her to see you with all that makeup on. Actually kill her.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Happy All Saints Day, Y'All!

How was your Halloween? Mine was great, thanks for asking. However every Halloween that passes leaves me increasingly aware of how lazy kids are these days. Costumes? Since when did dressing all in black and carrying around a filthy pillowcase qualify as a costume? I demand the immediate return of all miniature bags of Skittles, as well as a significant amount of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

This morning I stopped at Duane Reade before heading into work. (Duane Reade is an NYC-area CVS or Rite-Aid. Hey, I'd never heard of it before I moved here.) So I'm 4 people back in line, and all of a sudden this homeless man breezes in to the front of the line and shouts, "You people don't mind if I cut in front of you, do you? I gotta get going."

Really? Are you in a rush? Where do you have to be, honestly? We're all heading into work. Is the street corner next to the bus stop not going to be there in 5 minutes time? Ridiculous.

On the flip side, my favorite homeless man is the one who stands on the platform at the subway stop I take to get to work. He's always got a huge smile on his face, and there is a soft, grandfatherly look to him. But he's kind of a paradox, in that while he's standing there looking ever so congenial, he's also ranting about some of the strangest things. Examples:

"Women are thieves of DNA! If you lay down with a woman, she will steal your DNA! Then they place it in their bellies, and out comes a mini DNA thief! Beware!"

"I know that the Clinton administration took my brain and replaced it with a watermelon. I know this, and Tom Cruise knows this. Why don't you all believe me?!?"

(On the day Paris Hilton got out of jail) "If you release Paris Hilton from jail, the nation will SUFFER! For the good of the United States, you MUST keep Paris Hilton behind bars!!"

Let the record show that I wholeheartedly agree with that last rant.