I Was On "Carmen Sandiego" When I Was 12! I Don't Need This!!

That, my friends, is my favorite quote from the show I did at the Broadway Comedy Club last night. A comic who seemed to be having a bad day, was also having a rough set. When he had finally had enough of people mouthing off and back-sassing him, he came out with that little gem. And I laughed and laughed and laughed.

My set went very well, and I am pleased. There was an interesting selection of comics last night-some that were very green, some that were very confident for some bizarre reason, and one guy who was so off-the-wall that he was my favorite. If you can put "centaurs" and "square routes" in the same sentence and make it funny, then you are gifted, my friend.

I saw "Pan's Labyrinth" this past weekend. Damn....fascists are assholes.

I swear I had more to write. Huh.....guess not.

OMG

Got the best news of my young life today:

CROWDED HOUSE IS PLANNING A REUNION TOUR FOR THIS YEAR!!!!!!!

I love them. I've always loved them. But I've never seen them in concert. Now I can see them in concert. Sweet merciful Jesus, the excitement. Oh, the excitement.

(If you know who they are, please refrain from pointing out that a reunion tour seems a little off because of the drummer issue. They'll work it out. Just focus on the magic.)

So, to review:

-Crowded House is my favorite band of all time
-They are planning a reunion tour for 2007
-I just peed my pants a little

Puppenschpiel

Busy weekend. Wanna hear about it? Yeah, I thought you did.

On Friday, Ryan Conner and I took the Metro North train out of Manhattan and into Connecticut. I've never been on any of the train lines that roll out of Grand Central and into the great suburbia that lies beyond, but it was fairly enjoyable and efficient. It was also enlightening. I had no idea that doing lines of coke in train bathrooms was still cool, but apparently it's back in a big way. Or at least that's what the drunk girls on the train back into NYC would have me believe.

The show itself was good. It was predominantly high school students, which can either suck or be great. This time, it was great. They were a good crowd, I was happy with my set, and everyone came out a winner.

Saturday my good friend and musical comedy genius Larry Poon got into NYC. He's in town for a week full of shows, and I'm delighted my week is full of Larry. We went out on Saturday night with another great comic Frank Hong, and at one point we ended up in a karaoke bar. You're never really aware how many people can't carry a tune to save their life until it's 1am on a Saturday night, and some drunk is warbling to "Hips Don't Lie". Also, white folks love them some Kanye West. And most white folks dance exactly like every hack comic says they do. Score one for the hacks.

Yesterday, I went to a show with my friend Katy. It was a puppet show. A puppet show of death. No foolin'. The guy who put the show together took the death scenes from a number of different puppet shows from all over the world, got most of the original puppets, and put it all together for an hour and a half of puppets eating it. I found it quite enjoyable.

I am still interviewing like crazy for a new day job. It makes me want to vomit. Every day I'm at a new place, answering the same questions, filling out the same forms, and giving the same speech about myself. I'm suuuuuuper bored with it all.

To make things a little more interesting, I think tomorrow I will tell my interviewer that I can see the future, don't work on Highlander High Holidays, and demand to be paid in cashews. I bet you I get hired on the spot, because they're as tired of the same shit as I am.

Show at the Broadway Comedy Club on Tuesday January 30th at 8:30pm! As I attempt to get as much stage time as possible this year, I'll be putting most of the bigger shows here on my blog, and the rest on my MySpace page. Because I still have no idea how to update my website.

I revel in my computer illiteracy.

Don't Hump That Hound!!

I know that I am constantly telling you what to watch. I know you are probably sick of checking for hilarious blog updates, only to find I am telling you your television business. AGAIN. But I think we also know that I know what's best for you. I know what shows are going to make you the happiest, considering your hectic schedule. And hey-I'm also the one who wrote you that letter of recommendation, and helped you get out of your Army contract. So you know what? Eat me.

Anyhoo-"I Love NY", Monday nights on VH1. Watch it, TiVo it, do whatever you have to-it's AMAZING. If you watched "The Flavor of Love" series, you know who New York is. She's the crazy "over-dramatical" woman vying for Flav's love. For 2 seasons. But he didn't pick her, either season, and now she's got her own show and she's looking for her own love. And my God, where the producers found these guys I can't say, but I have to assume it's a place that looks and smells a lot like heaven. Grown-ass men crying about tiny dogs, expressing their devotion through freestyle rap, and wearing banana hammocks.

I know. It's incredible.

On a completely different note, the following is a word-for-word transcript of a letter that we received here at my job today; and no, I'm serious, it's an actual letter we got:

"Dear Sirs,

My maternal grandmother emigrated to this country seventy years ago and her life is an Irish American success story. After several years working as a domestic on a New England estate she met her husband, also an Irish immigrant, and enjoyed a life of considerable prosperity and happiness. She and her late husband owned a home and begat two wonderful daughters, the eldest of whom is my mother.

While we have enjoyed her immensely, I'm afraid- the family's consensus is that she must be returned to Ireland within the next year. She is a sweet and wonderful woman, but we can no longer stomach her mawkish poetry, songs and country folk tales: most of which involve her encounters with ill tempered Co. Cavan livestock. She has become quite a nuisance.

I would be greatly obliged if you could forward me the appropriate paperwork for repatriation."

Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Apparently I'm doing a show in CT tomorrow night. Do you live in Westport? Come to the show! It's somewhere, and it starts at 8:30pm, and that's all I know. I'm doing the show with Ryan Conner, and he probably has more info on his website.

Bye.

"Are You Wearing Sandals? Take a Lap."

You should watch "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". It's hi-larious.

This weekend....oh, what a waste of a weekend. If I never see another E! True Hollywood Story, it'll be too soon. Lindsay Lohan-quit your crying. Skank.

I've been seeing a lot of commercials for the movie "Stomp the Yard" lately. Young man goes to school, joins the step team, kicks ass. Pretty formulaic, maybe-but I don't have a problem with the movie itself. I have a problem with the appearance of MTV VJ "Sway" in the movie. I know he's in it, because I've seen the same preview 19 times, and it always has Sway exclaiming, "I have never seen stepping like this before!!!!"

Shut up. Shut up.

I cannot stand it when MTV VJs are thrown into movies. Don't you have a Hilary Duff video to introduce? Who told you to pursue acting? I certainly don't care what kind of stepping you've ever seen, Sway. Or you, La La, or whatever your name is. I don't need you giving me commentary during "You Got Served". I'm just trying to watch everyone pop-and-lock. I don't know if these VJs are put into movies to remind us that MTV is constantly on the forefront of what is hip and what is not, but it bothers me. Just hang out at TRL, ask squealing 14 year olds how much they love Justin Timberlake, and remember your place.

Well, that rant had absolutely no effect on anything. Which is just the way I like my rants. Inconsequential and ultimately unnecessary.

Anyhoo-the Golden Globes are on tonight. If Sacha Baron Cohen doesn't win Best Actor for "Borat", I will throw my TV out the window. No-I need my TV. Instead, I'll knock a roll of paper towels on the floor. And the resulting clamor will reverberate all the way to Hollywood. Just see if it doesn't.

Glorious

It's been a slow, meandering kind of week. I'm finding it hard not to be distracted by bright colors or fuzzy dogs, let alone be witty on the interweb. Hence the fact that this blog entry is just going to be another link to something great.

This link comes to you all courtesy of good friend and fellow comic Justin Schlegel. If Justin knows anything, he knows what I likes. Enjoy.

You Gotta Play Through The Pain

This might be the funniest story of the year so far. Not the pornography part, but the Capital of Thailand part. Come on, how else are our nation's boys going to become the next generation of men?!?!

Feeling....Light-Headed....

There is some sort of gas leak throughout New York City this morning, and I can't be bothered to write anything original or clever in my blog just now. I'm still hoping we're going to get evacuated so I can go home and watch Passions.

So in lieu of my normal creative genius; here are some text exchanges I've had with friends and family that I discovered while clearing out my cell phone. Enjoy!!

Me: 2007 is the year I get back in shape. So I just went running. It was painful. Now I'm having a cigarette. Off to a kickin' start!!
M H: Whenever I think I should get in shape I think of someone I detest who is in shape and how I don't want to be like them.
Me: Ah, that'll work. Fuck you, cast of "Laguna Beach".

Me: My landlord just gave me a bottle of booze for a Christmas present. How did she know?!?
M W: Maybe a free room at rehab and a day at the clinic would have been a better gift.

My Brother: The troops are marching east. We must now set our sights on Bear Town USA. We attack tomorrow. Rally the men.
Me: We'll catch those Teddy Bears off guard...while they're having their picnic.

Me: I hate the French

The Year of the Jackalope

2007. Hells yeah. So far it's shaping up to be everything I dreamed and more. And my propensity for sarcasm is stronger than ever!!!

But I am optimistic about this year. I have to be-it's only 4 days in. Come January 12th I think I'll be more inclined to anticipate the worst out of my fellow man and all marine mammals. Sea otters...don't say I didn't warn you.

I spent this past New Year's Eve in the last place I ever expected: Times Square. I wasn't in the streets with all the douchebags from TRL, but rather in a bar a half a block away. It wasn't as insane and lawless as I had originally feared, and the night was enjoyable. The highlight of the holiday came well before midnight:

The bar we were at was on 48th street, between Broadway and 8th avenue. As it drew nearer to midnight, there were blockades on the avenues, so you could only gain access to the streets if you had a ticket to one of the establishments there. This made for excellent people watching, especially as the night progressed and alcohol thinned everyone's blood.

At one point, there was a bit of a to-do close to one of the barricades on the street. There was this guy who was indescribably inebriated and could barely stand, having some sort of argument with his girlfriend. One of the cops working there asked him to get up on his feet and stop making a scene. This is when everyone around the drunk guy realized that he had pulled his pants down to his knees. Now, this is all speculation, but I'm assuming he was in the process of removing both his pants and his underwear to take care of business. Not the easy kind of business, but the kind you'd prefer to have a newspaper for. HA!

Anyway-apparently his bowels got tired of waiting for his motor skills to realign themselves, and he had the most embarassing of accidents. This accident had seriously stained both his underwear and his pants. Oh God, it was horrific. When his girlfriend saw it, she let out a scream like she was being murdered. And then the cop saw it, shook his head, and said, "There's no way I'm f-ing dealing with that.", and walked away. There are no words-it was priceless.

Later on, when the crowds had subsided and I was walking back to the Subway, I saw a lonely pair of Dockers on the side of the road. Amazing. What did he wear home?!?!?!? Thank you, drunk asshole, for making my New Year's Eve the best in years. The rest of 2007 is going to have to pull out all the stops to top that.

Later.