Of Vampires and Classic American Literature

Oh snap - this is my 200th post! Someone open a bottle of Boone's and we'll celebrate!

So I just finished reading "To Kill A Mockingbird" for the first time this weekend. I know, I know - it's a classic, and it's disgraceful that it's taken me this long to read it. I hold firm to the belief, however, that almost all required-reading books are boring. And because "To Kill A Mockingbird" was on almost every required-reading list, I was all, "Forget that book, son! I'll stick to my Sweet Valley High, thank you very much."

Sidebar: The only two books that I ever actually enjoyed being forced to read for school were "Catcher in the Rye" and "A Separate Peace". I love them.

Anyways - people were always shocked when they found out I hadn't read "Mockingbird", but two people were notably on my ass about it. Thanks Ryan and Shannon, for guilting me into reading it. As it turns out, I thought the book was incredible. And now I'm wondering what else I'm missed out on thanks to my near-sighted though admirably steadfast boycott of all books noteworthy.

So does anyone have any suggestions? I have 2 books lined up right now, but when I'm done - what classics would you recommend? Or just any really great book - be it older or more recent. I don't like romance, chick lit or Vonnegut; so think twice before recommending "Gone With the Wind", "The Devil Wears Prada" or anything by Vonnegut. Thanks!!!

I was walking to the Subway around 1:30am on Friday night, when I passed a rather rotund man arguing with his inexplicably hot girlfriend. She was visibly upset and trying to get him to listen to her, and this is what he said to her as I passed:

"Well baby, maybe you just don't understand what it means to be a vampire."

It was a good thing I was heading home, because I wasn't going to hear anything better for the rest of the night.

Another Year Wiser...

My birthday was yesterday. 27 is gone, and now I am a wizened and sage 28 year old.

Here's just one nugget of wisdom that I'm happy to pass on to you all:

"If you're going to wear underwear that has the day of the week printed on them, try your best to wear the proper pair on the corresponding day. Because you never know when your overalls will fall down in the middle of the school play on a Friday and there you are wearing Tuesday's underpants. Because if that ever happened - you'd be mortified."

I'm chock full o' this stuff.

"I Hope You Die Before Me"

That's my favorite quote of the week right there. Taken out of context, it may seem terrible. But then you find out that I was describing the wondrous goings-ons that would take place at my funeral, and my friend Ryan said, "I hope you die before me" so earnestly, that it was funny.

No but seriously - my funeral is gonna be bitchin'.

I've got a show coming up on July* 22 at Gotham Comedy Club. That's a Tuesday night, for those of you who hate calendars. The show is at 8pm. Sno-cones for everyone who comes to see me immediately after. (Sno-cones made of imagination)

The new building I moved into in Queens has an eclectic mix of people who are simultaneously really rude and really polite. I have been asked no less than 6 times "what I'm doing in the building", but it's usually followed up with "Welcome!", "I hope your new home is nice" and "You will take my children, no?"

No.


*Thanks, Townley. Smartass.

Alt-Comedy...(shakes head)

Hey, alt-comedy performers! Maybe I'm just un-hip, and I don't get it. But....I don't get it. Shouldn't you be telling...oh, I dunno.....jokes? Maybe? No? Oh, you're too good a comic to tell jokes? I see. Well, then carry on.

On to REAL comics...

George Carlin died. RIP, man.

I've Had All I Can Stands, And I Can't Stands Much More...

Are teenagers today really this stupid?!?

The link is to an article in Time magazine about a high school in Gloucester, MA that has an extraordinary amount of pregnant students. Something around 17 girls (all 16 or under) are expecting. These pregnancies aren't the result of a really crazy Mardi Gras, either - these pregnancies were planned, holmes.

Apparently a good majority of these girls made a pact to all get pregnant together and then raise their kids together. Ooooooh! What FUN! To think of all the time I wasted hanging out with friends and planning to go away to college and miniature golfing - I could have been raising a child!

Another aspect of the article that's rage-inducing is that some of the blame is falling on movies like "Juno" and "Knocked Up" for "glamorizing" what it's like to be an unwed mother.

OK first off - it wasn't a walk in the park for either of the prego characters in those movies. I seem to remember heartburn, emotional turmoil, and a very raw delivery scene that almost certainly made me barren upon first viewing.

Secondly - are you serious??!?! It's 2008!! Do people still not know the difference between movies and real life? Do these girls really think the stoners that got them pregnant are going to change their ways and be the men of their dreams? Or that they'll be able to stay refreshingly witty for the duration of their pregnancy - proving to everyone around them how important it is to just be yourself?

Because I think it's going to be more like "3 Men and a Baby". Without the comraderie or the laughs, but totally with the creepy ghost kid staring out from the doorways. That's right, ladies. Welcome to your new lives.

In summation - these girls are idiots.

Sooo...

How 'bout them Celtics? Hmmm? Won the whole thing there.

(That's two.)

CRAPSPACKLE!

3 days into my "Write Every Day" pledge and I messed up. Totally forgot to write yesterday. Probably distracted by something shiny. And while I think Beth may be the only one who noticed - I will make amends by writing 2 posts today. 2! Count 'em!

(This counts as one)

Drinkin' in the Rain

This weekend I met my friend Sara and some of her peeps at the Beer Garden in Astoria, Queens. The Beer Garden is my most favorite spot in NYC. The heady mix of beer, being outdoors and bratwurst is enough to turn any frown upside down.

Except on Saturday it rained. Non-stop. It was unreal. It was an unreal, wet and horrible experience. And at first my comrades and I thought we could just wait it out the table with unbrellas. Well...we were wrong. And drenched. And I think 2 of us may have died of pneumonia.

There was a baby there too - like, a 6-month old baby, whose parents did not take inside during the storm. I was simultaneously amused/horrified by the constant presence of a laughing dancing baby during the torrential downpours, and decided that one day I hoped to have a kid that kick-ass. And then we could have play dates with other kick-ass parents babies:

Hahaha. Just kidding! I don't want kids.

Writing Every Day = Probably Not Funny

Alright - I'm good to my word. Writing every day (weekday) is the name of the game, and it's infintely more difficult than Operation. You heard it here first. Now grab that water on the knee and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD - DON'T TOUCH THE SIDES!!

Speaking of legitimate medicine, I went to the Doctor to get a prescription refilled today. (Halotestin - why do you ask?) While I was in the waiting room, there was a guy sitting a few chairs down talking on his cell phone. Hand to God, this is his side of the conversation:

"Well, if I don't get the blood transfusion, I will probably die. That's what they tell me. I need the blood because.....what? (Pause) I don't know. Check the fridge. Make whatever you want for dinner. Yeah. So the doctor said it's important that I get the treatment...(pause)....fine. Chicken is fine."

Chicken? Really? You want chicken to be your last meal?

Friend Request THIS

I'll be honest - I fought Facebook for a long time. I was already on the MySpace so the kids would think I was cool, so I had no intention of entering another social networking domain.

Finally I was convinced (by Victor, who promised if I joined I would see awesome pictures of Matt and Phil) to sign up. And as I live and breathe - you wouldn't believe how many people I've gotten back into contact with by way of the the almighty Trout Slap.

It's weird to be reconnecting with people I knew when I lived in Dublin, and in DC, and people from high school. (Class of '98 = Old) Ha - I used to wear vests, all the time. Listen up everyone - I don't wear vests anymore. I'm past that. I just wanted to put that out there.

OK - Victor and Meg's wedding. A few things:

-Townley is a surprisingly good speech-giver. Who knew? I mean, I knew he was eloquent when it came to yelling at sluts, but his Best Man speech was really great. Extra wedding cake and bigger glasses of booze great? Yes, Tim. It was.

-When did my guy friends start dating really cool, chill and not-crazy girls? I'm not sure when the switch was made, but I couldn't be happier about it. (This means you, Lisa, Sarah and Megan)

-There was a photo booth next to a table loaded with crazy hats and boas. Hilarity ensued.

-Have you been asking yourself what the ultimate appetizer for any occasion would be? The answer is mini Cuban sandwiches. You're welcome.

-More advice: DO NOT drink 4 cups of coffee before a Catholic Wedding Ceremony. Catholic Wedding Ceremonies don't stop for bathroom breaks. Even though I'm 96% Jesus would have been OK with it.

Long story short - it was a beautiful wedding, a kick-ass reception and the perfect couple. Also there were various meats on sticks. Amazing.


Have you ever seen the website www.overheardinnewyork.com? You should check it out. It's hilarious.

Alright - I have been super lazy with the blog lately. I'm sure it has something to do with the heat and also aliens. But I want to do better! So starting tomorrow, I am going to strive to write at least one thing a day. Be it a story, a random thought, or a word problem you'll need to solve while showing your work, there will be something to read on this blog. Everyday.

Except weekends. My weekends are reserved for alcohol and soapbox derby racing. Oh yeah, no, they go together. Like peanut butter and vehicular manslaughter. Count it!

Hot Crackers, I Take Exception To That!

Egads, I haven't written in forever. I'm sorry. But I have been busy. This time I've been actually busy - with trips down South and weddings and liquor store robberies. Crazy couple o' weeks!!

HUGE CONGRATULATIONS go out to Victor and Megan, who tied the knot in Boston on May 31st. Awesome wedding. And an unbelievably perfect couple. I love you guys! Buy me something in Argentina!

I also saw a bunch of friends from school, some (Dan Ryan!) who I haven't seen since about 2002. I will write about the wedding in greater detail next entry. Pinky Swear!

But now I gotta go home and see if the New Kids on the Block tickets I bought off Ebay have arrived yet.

Yeah - NKOTB. I paid inflated Ebay prices for NKOTB tickets. Do your worst.