Holy Swedes, Batman!

So my week of shows at the DC Improv soldiers on. Bob Marley continues to be awesome, and I think I'm getting more confident with-and therefore better at-my feature-length set.

On Wednesday night, there were about 40 Swedes in the audience. Straight off the IKEA shelves-honest to God-SWEDES. At my friend's request, I tried to say something to them in Swedish, but I don't think it came out right. I probably threatened to kill all their mothers. No wonder they didn't really feel my 80's pop culture references.

Big ups (wow-I just wrote "big ups") to a few friends that came out last night: Katharine and Scott, DaLania and John, and Lindsay and Dave.

Lindsay and Dave are dating and seem very happy. And that's awesome, because I've known Lindsay for years and she's amazing. Dave-I only just met you last night-so the jury's still out on you. But it's looking like you'll probably get manslaughter 2-and that means we'll be BFF.

Some dude bought me a shot of whiskey after my set last night. I kind of waved it off, explaining that I hadn't eaten so it might not be a good idea. He just pointed to the stage, and was like-"But up there you said you were Irish. Are you even Irish?!?" So then, of course, I had to take the shot to defend my peoples and our honor.

Oh, and I kicked him in his nethers for ever doubting me.

Tonight-two more shows!!! One at 8pm and one at 10:30pm. There are still tickets left-so buy 'em!! Tomorrow-same deal. Oh-and everyone who comes to Saturday night's 8pm show will have the opportunity to rub elbows with Buffalo's finest. That's right-some of the family is coming in. Don't say I didn't warn you when you take a broken bottle in the jugular.

Chimpanzees

I asked one of my bosses here at work to give me a title for today's blog entry. He looked at me blankly, and then just said, "Chimpanzees". The look on his face-BRILLIANT. So I had to go with it, because if nothing else, the look on his face is making me laugh.

Anyhoo-last night was the first of my week of feature shows at the DC Improv. Nervous? I'll say. Nauseous? And how. But it ended up going really well. I'm delighted-because it was the longest show I've ever done on stage. Some new stuff went really well, and I'm getting more confident in some other things.

And then I had beer.

So the fun continues tonight through Sunday at the Improv, and you should check out a show. www.dcimprov.com, or (202) 296-7008 to buy tickets. Bob Marley's hilarious, as is Mike Shader, the emcee for the week. Good times. Good good times.

Now, there has been a little drama on the DC comedy scene as of the past few days-and while I said I wouldn't get involved or acknowledge it-I feel like I would be wrong not to voice my opinion:

If the end of the world was nigh, and the forces of darkness were encircling like vultures, and the only way we could attempt to save our mortal souls would be to play a dodgeball game the likes of which have never been seen, and I was one of two team captains that had already picked almost everyone, and there were only two possible teammates left to choose from, and I was the captain with the first of the last picks, and I had to choose between the fat kid or the slow kid-I'd pick the fat kid. Why? Because while I'm standing behind him being shielded from the opposing team's onslaught, I can also gather together as many dodgeballs that roll into my vicinity and therefore have a large pile to start hammering at the unsuspecting when my human wall gets ousted.

I know, I know. That's a lot to take in. Just think about it, DC. I'm sure you'll get my meaning. And then the healing can begin.

"Is He Gay?" "Ummm...He's Not From AROUND Here..."

And that is an actual conversation that took place between myself and a friend of mine. What kind of an answer to a rather straight-forward question is that?!?! I want to know if someone is gay. My friend wants to brief me on this person's demographics. Wow. I love my friends.

The interview I gave to the very suave and impeccably dressed Chris White is now up on DCStandup. You can check it out here. I think I came across as a humanitarian and a scholar.

So how was my weekend? Oh, I'll tell you. I went to the Renaissance Festival on Sunday. You know, the place where nerds go to mate. I had about 14 beers and a turkey leg. All in all an extremely successful Sunday afternoon. I ran into the elusive Larry Poon at the Dragon's Lair, or the Dragon's Inn or the Dragon's SOMETHING pub. (There was free beer) Larry Poon was arguing with some wench about whether or not he gave her "the itchy plague". Well, I don't know what that was all about-but turkey legs are delicious.

Shout-out time!! I need to send a shout-out. Because this blog is the equivalent of TRL. Only with more R&B.

An Ode To Jeremy:
When you left for the mountains, we all shed a tear
Things seem a lot quieter, without you here
You're off in Law School, working real hard
To prove to all of us you're not a re-tard
But DC misses it's Golden Boy, and hopes you are well
Except for Spangle who said "Go To Hell"
I know you support me, and read this blog every day
So once again I'm sorry I told everyone you were gay.

Ah, yes. That's AP English shining through, people. But Jeremy is awesome, and we miss him, and he's probably the only one outside of the DC area who reads this drivel. I think he'll be home this weekend. SOLID.

And finally-tonight it begins!!! My week of shows at the DC Improv!! I'll be featuring for the VERY hilarious Bob Marley. He's white. He's from Maine. He was in "The Boondock Saints". Enough said.

There are still tickets left for every night! So come on out and see a great show!! You can purchase tickets online from DC Improv.com. Just go here. Or if you have an Improv t-shirt, you can come on down and get in for free tonight!

Anyone reading this in the Boston area today (you never know...) go out and vote for my friend Matt O'Malley for City Council in the preliminary election today. He's awesome.

In Maryland We Roll Hard

That is a shout-out for Mikey. Mikey-you roll harder than any mother fucker I know, and STILL make it into work on time the next morning. You should be studied.

The show last night was a resounding success. If you can describe a resounding success as 9 comics and 11 audience members. And drunk waitstaff AND people in the audience who were not afraid to voice their opinions rather loudly during everyone's set. "Woooooo!!! I LOVE tacos! One time I ATE tacos! YEAH!" Ryan Conner dealt with one rather adeptly: "What do you, have a checklist or something? Well what do you need to cross off before you shut the fuck up?!?" I tip my hat to you, Good Sir.

I am working on a joke about drunk bitches. Let's see where it goes.

I will be embarking on that most glorious of excursions this weekend: the Maryland Renaissance Festival! Why? Because it's Pirate Weekend, they have macaroni & cheese on a stick and I can get drunk and throw pointy metal weapons. I think I will also get my fortune told. Last time I went, the little fat man who read the runes for me told me that I will switch careers and meet the man of my dreams, who most likely will be driving a 1973 Gremlin. No idea why he was so specific about the make of car-but you better believe I've been checking out the parking lots of every bowling alley and tattoo parlor I've passed since then. Sometimes you have to make your own destiny.

My bracket has been decided and my fate sealed for the Comedy Kumite Tournament of Champions on October 27th. I'll be going up against the legendary Chris White. A force to be reckoned with, and one of the best flamenco dancers this side of the Mississip'! Check him out here.

My friend Gabe's birthday party is tomorrow night, and I ask you: what do you get the guy who can shove an entire cell phone in his mouth (while ringing) and make a backpack out of a pair of blue jeans?? Wings would be my guess. Because he must be an angel sent from heaven.......

I Want My Pork Pulled

Ahh, yes. Inarguably the most charming thing that's ever been said to me during my tenure as a waitress. An elderly, toothless NASCAR fan in my section a few months back was ordering the pulled pork sandwich, and instead pulled an old switcheroo on me and said, "I Want My Pork Pulled" with a wink and rattle from deep within his chest cavity. Oh my-but he was a saucy one.

Not sure what made me think of that-so on to other things:

Tonight I'll be at RFD in Chinatown for a benefit show to raise money for Hurricane Katrina Relief. 15 comics, 7 minutes each-woooo! And it's for a good cause. What are you, an asshole? Just come to the show. Show starts at 7:30pm, and the bar is located at 810 7th Street NW.

I will be featuring at the Improv next week. In honor of this, the Improv's most greivous error, Chris White will be featuring an interview with me on www.dcstandup.com in the next few days. Read it to the kids at bedtime, and guarantee a restless night's sleep for all!

Kumite updates will also be coming on www.dcstandup.com in the next few days. The first battle-bracket has already been decided!! Ryan Conner will go head-to-head with best friend and fellow boy band member Rory Scovel-undoubtedly rendering a once beautiful friendship to nothing more than mere acquaintanceship!!!

Is acquaintanceship a word?

Be on the lookout for the rest of the brackets as they are decided.

Doesn't Canada come out with some of the best musicians of our generation?? Of course not. But tonight I am going to see Our Lady Peace at the 930 Club, one band that America's Hat seemed to get right. Who else is there? The Tragically Hip.....and......well, I guess that's it. But man, Canada sure does have some great beer.

Hosers.

Comedy Kumite TOC Approaches

Not too quickly, but it approaches all the same. On Thursday, October 27th, all the winners of the Kumite competitions of the past will be gathering at the Comedy Spot in Ballston VA for a fight to the death. And yes, that's a metaphorical fight to the death...at least on stage. There's no telling what Frank Hong and Rory Scovel might get into in the parking lot.

Anyhoo-there is information on the tournament and all the competitors here. Also, competitor Larry Poon has taken it upon himself to comment on the other comics in the tournament on his blog. While you're there screwing around on company time, check out Larry's newest single, "Sometimes my balls sweat". You'll be doing yourself, and everyone in the general vicinity of your desk, a HUGE favor.

My Sister Cleans Houses For Booze

She does. It's true. If you give her a case of beer and a filthy apartment, and then come back 6 hours later-VOILA! You'll never see it sparkle like that again!

That's just one of the reasons my family is so unique. Another is that my Mom knows more about the ancient rituals of the Masonic Temples than most history professors do. Hmmm....I never really questioned why...

I saw Star Wars 3 over the weekend. Yeah-I felt guilty for not seeing it in theatres with every other friendless waste-of-pimple-cream, so I finally rented it. And I gotta tell you-I was pleased. Not because of the action, or the fact that you finally see Darth Vader come into his own as an evil ruler; but because Jar Jar Binks said maybe one "Me-sa" and that was IT. Nice. The last two movies and Jar Jar's participation in them made me pray for sweet death. Not for me, but for George Lucas.

I haven't prayed for the death of a filmmaker since James Cameron, and that was for unleashing "Titanic" on an unsuspecting populus. You rat bastard-the movie was bad enough without your approaching Celine Dion and asking her to open her Canadian maw and spew some drivel into our airwaves about her love going on and on. Didn't she marry her 56 year old manager when she was like, 12 years old? Fantastic.

Ryan Conner should be going onstage at SoHo tonight. You should catch him, because he's amazing. He doesn't really get nervous.

Hey....Hey, Shut Up

Well, color me surprised that my blog was such a RESOUNDING hit with all who read it. Seriously, my first entry warranted comments of such depth and consequence, that I had to sit down in order to take it all in.

"This blog sucks". Wow. A thread of discussion that has endless possibilities, all leading to a better world for the kids. "I know where you live"-undoubtedly left by my Mom. I think there was a second "this blog sucks". Poetry. Poetry in motion.

I appreciate all opinions, and mean it in all sincerity when I say "keep 'em comin'!" What do I care, anyway? I just read the comments while drunk and then give the finger to the computer screen. You know, just runnin' a blog the way Jesus intended it.

Anyhoo-contrary to popular belief-I am a comic. And for those of you who were hoping I would write something funny here-IN YOUR FACE!

So instead, why don't you come see me not-be-funny in person! I have some shows coming up, and I will list them now, as my website is currently in limbo (though hopefully not for long):

Monday September 19th-SoHo Tea and Coffee (Dupont Circle DC)

Thursday September 22nd-RFD Taglines Comedy Club (Chinatown DC)-Benefit show to raise money for victims of Hurricane Katrina

Tuesday September 27-Sunday October 2-Improv Comedy Club (Connecticut Avenue DC)-Featuring for Bob Marley

And that's it for today. Oh, one last thing:

Sean Gabbert is a sexy beast and I can no longer live without him.

This is a blog

I've done it. I've caved and set up a blog. Why? Because I want to belong. And all the cool kids are doing it. And if smoking and posting blog entries on the World Wide Web and drag racing make me cool-then I'm doing it!

I'm also trying desperately to get my website up and running. As soon as I can stop being computer-illiterate, or else bully a tech-savvy geek into doing all the grunt-work for me, you can look for new and exciting information on my shows, and my life, and my opinions on the REAL issues. Issues like government, military history, and why I still maintain that "The Chipmunk Adventure" is one of the most underrated movies of our generation.

That's right-I go out on a limb people......everyday.