Comedian Erin Conroy: June 2006

Comedian Erin Conroy

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I Have Paris Hilton's Song Stuck In My Head...

...And a revolver shoved in my mouth. I desperately need to get that syphillitic harpy's voice out of my mind. I'd rather listen to Songs of Worship.

Wedding season is upon us once again. I think this year I will escape relatively unscathed-there might only be one that I have to attend. And if I can break an appendage close enough to the date, I might be able to get out of it. At my part-time job a few weeks ago, there was a wedding reception held under a tent on the beach. There was a giant sandcastle wedding cake, and hot dogs for everyone. It was a pretty interesting break from the normal wedding receptions we all have to suffer through every year, and it got me thinking. If I ever (hold all laughter until the end, please) decide to get married, I have come up with the most ingenious location for my wedding reception:

A roller rink.

I know. I'm brilliant. There will be sheet pizzas and sno-cones for everyone, as well as unlimited access to the arcade games and skee-ball. The wedding party will participate in a game of Four Corners, and the bride and groom's "first dance as man and wife" will instead be a Couple's Skate. Oh my fictional and largely unlikely wedding is gonna be AMAZING.

My new favorite comeback for anyone and everyone is to tell them that they "will burn for that". I think it's hilarious, and it begets a satisfying reaction. For example, a friend of mine back-sassed me at lunch today, and without hesitation I said, "Oh-you'll burn for that." It made the remainder of the lunch sufficiently awkward. POINT: CONROY

I have a strong desire to go bowling. It's been about 6 months, and correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the Surgeon General recommend a night of bowling at least once every 7 months? Or else you'll get polio? Something like that. So if anyone is reading this, and they live in the NYC area, and they don't want polio-then hey:

Let's bowl.

Monday, June 26, 2006


It may not seem like a lot of money to you, Rockefeller; but $15.30 sent my good friend Sara on a harrowing quest to face off against Corporate America and stand up for the little guy.

After being unjustly overcharged for her dinner at the IHOP in Crystal City VA, Sara demanded retribution, but was instead met with apathy. Apathy from the cashier, the manager and the group of stoned college kids waiting for their french toast.

Asserting that she "would not be ignored", Sara took her fight to the IHOP corporate offices in California. No, I'm serious. She really did. After speaking to some higher-ups there, she was told she would have to speak to the owner of that particular IHOP about getting her money refunded, and that they would place the call on her behalf. The owner then got in touch with her, expressed outrage at the situation that had befallen her, and promised justice.

Finally, over a month after the incident that shook the commercial district of Route 1 South, Sara was back at the scene of the crime. She spoke with the owner, who refunded her money and gave her a free dinner on the house. Sara had won.

What is the point of this story? I guess you can take it however you want to. All I know, is that when Sara explained the whole saga to me, I was laughing so hard I was crying. I mean come on-who does that?!? Who goes through all that hullabaloo for $15.30??!!? Only Sara, that's who. And I don't think she has ever been prouder of herself. She just ran a marathon in Alaska-but ask her what she's been up to lately, and I guarantee you'll hear about the victory she experienced against the great pancake gestapo.

Next time, Stroman-you gimme a call first, and I'll front you $20. I mean seriously.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Ghetto-Ass Mojitos

My good friend Melissa called me the other night to tell me she had found a use for the mint plants that are growing in front of her Capitol Hill home: she made "ghetto-ass mojitos" with them. She is ingenious.

This got me wondering what kind of sophisticated drink I could make from the objects laying around in the front yard of my apartment in Brooklyn. After a little scavenging, I had the following ingredients:

-A tire iron
-A plastic fork
-Some kid's report card (Excellent in English-struggling in gym)
-A squished ice cream sandwich
-Many, many mosquitos
-A bike

So needless to say, the drink idea was all but abandoned. But I got $45 for the bike.

My birthday is coming up. What are you gonna get me?

Friday, June 16, 2006

They Don't Allow You To Have Bees In Here

I've had a fairly eventful week, as my weeks here in New York have gone. Friend and fellow comic Ryan Conner came in to stay with me on Monday. I had the pleasure of introducing him to the genius that is Arrested Development; yet another notch in FOX's cancellation belt. Ahhh, Will me.

We went out on Tuesday night to watch Game 3 of the NBA finals. I know nothing about basketball, nor do I care to learn. But I went because I was promised one glorious thing: Frank Hong. Frank is another comic friend of mine, and he and I were both members of the illustrious DC Stand-Up All-Stars. We've done plenty of shows together and believe me: If you've never seen Frank perform, they you don't really know just how funny the Golden Girls theme song can be. He's moving to NY in a week or two, and I have already promised him a heapin' helpin' of me coming over to his place uninvited for board games and S'Mores.

What else? My friends Mike and Jeremy are coming in today for the weekend-which means I'll either be in lockdown or Detox by Sunday morning.

Best of luck to my good friend Sara who will be running the Alaska Marathon tomorrow!!!

Also tomorrow-Game 6 for the Oilers and Hurricanes in the Stanley Cup Finals. I'm rooting for Edmonton. For nostalgia's sake, as well as loyalty to the Sabres.

...Also because Eric Staal's face bothers me.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Random Thoughts

-I saw a movie that I enjoyed immensely. It's called "Brick", and it's an independent/arthouse kinda film. But don't let that turn you off. It's a very good movie, full of teens and intrigue and Lucas Haas. You know him-the kid from 'Witness' with the huge ears. Rent it.

-It's getting increasingly more difficult for me to pretend like I'm interested in what stupid people have to say. While they're blabbing away about their new sandals, or their experiences on the Zone diet, or about how their art is different from everyone else's because they really appreciate the nude human form, and not in a creepy way; I am nodding at perfectly-timed intervals, occassionally raising an eyebrow, and secretly praying for salvation to come in the form of a massive embolism. For them-not me. I got a lot of livin' to do.

-I have fallen back in love-madly in love, mind you-with America's Funniest Home Videos. This show glorifies nut shots, and exploits the awkward phases of chubby children everywhere. There's nothing funnier than a child doing something unspeakable to the neighbor dog, or a drunken uncle falling down at a wedding and suffering internal bleeding and a mild concussion. "America....America....this is youuuuuuu...."

-I want to cause bodily harm to the entire cast of the morning radio show I am currently listening to while I get ready for work. They are assanine. They talk about assanine things, like how many women can't get their men to commit, and how many HoHos the fatass on the show can choke down in 60 seconds. I hate them. They give weather reports like, "Weather!! Gonna rain today! Then it's gonna stop!". They make crank phone calls; and the one woman won't shut the f*ck up about her cat. The long and short of it is-I am unhappy with my current dial position, and am looking for recommendations. I need a morning show in NYC that has news, fairly tolerable DJs and no talk of cats. Can anyone recommend any stations?

-I have worked 2 weekends now at my part-time waitressing job. The job is completely different from any other restaurant I've ever worked in before as far as location and shifts and protocol is concerned. But you know what is exactly the same? The drunk assholes.

-Meerkat Manor.

Friday, June 09, 2006

And Baby Makes Three

HUGE CONGRATULATIONS going out to my good friend (and oftimes mentor) Michelle and her husband Gordon. They had a baby girl yesterday afternoon!!!!

Michelle and Gordon are one of my favoritest couples EVER. She is foul-mouthed, abrasive, and owns far too many cats. He's an Irish marine who gets too drunk and rolls away under curtains. Together-they will make the greatest parents the world has ever known, and little Sarah is in for some very interesting dinnertime discussions.


The fact that everyone keeps growing up and moving on to more mature stages in their lives has not escaped me. And while it freaks me out to no end that a good handful of my comrades are either married, engaged or expecting; I am of course very happy for all of them. Except for a couple who are making/have made HUGE mistakes.

Ha! Kidding!


Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Back In Town

And I have a question for the South:

What's with all the waffle joints?

More later.