Comedian Erin Conroy: June 2009

Comedian Erin Conroy

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Whoa - Easy There, Celebrity Deaths

So....yeah. The past week has been like a celebrity death free-for-all, and I'm a little hesitant to assume we're out of the woods yet. Which is why I have locked Leslie Nielsen in an airless chamber below my apartment building for safekeeping. The cold hands of death can't reach you when you're six feet underground, Drebin! HaHa! You can thank me Friday night when I bring you food.

Michael Jackson was a total shock to me, and I'm not really sure why. It's not like he was a great example of a healthy and responsible way to live your life or anything. I guess he was just the first icon from my generation to kick it, and it seems surreal that he isn't still out there buying exotic animals to keep at his house and fashionable gas masks to wear out. So weird.

What's that? You're wondering what my favorite Michael Jackson song is? Dunno - too many to pick from. Favorite music video? Easy:

I heart whales who form friendships. Don't act like you don't, I'll just call you a liar.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Ahahahaha, You Suck

I stepped into the elevator at my office building this afternoon next to some random dude. The doors began to close, and then some other dude comes running up and decides that our elevator may be the last elevator he will ever have the opportunity to ride, and he is obviously distressed. He lunges towards us and swings his lunch bag in between the closing doors - and Eureka! The doors close almost completely, but his lunch triggered the motion sensor or whatever, and they opened back up, granting this genius entrance. Huzzah! He had bested the machine!!

Then he remembered that he got soup for lunch - and that said soup was not packaged in a steel thermos of any kind. He looked down slowly to confirm that the container had indeed exploded when thrust between the elevator doors, and that he was presently covering the elevator floor with split pea soup. He said, and I quote:

"Probably not my best idea..."

Sometimes Mondays aren't so bad.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Big Doings

When did I last post? I don't even know. So I've been doing sh*t recently. 2 weekends ago I was in the much-maligned Jersey City helping my friends Ryan and Quincy (AKA Crucial Element) film some stuff. You know - webisodes, because they're like episodes for a TV show, but they go on the web. Ha! Webisode! That's a really clever portmanteau! What will the interwebs think of next? LOLOLOLOL!

Then last weekend I decided to dust-off my falsetto voice and knowledge of Nickelodeon TV shows and get to babysitting. My friend Karen asked me to watch her daughter for the day while she and the husband got out of the house, and I happily agreed - because her daughter reminds me of Ramona Quimby both in looks and in propensity for mischief. And I loved those books as a kid. However I think I underestimated the mischief part, because I spent the better part of 8 hours trying to keep up with the most energetic and crafty little 3 year old EVER. I would turn my back for no less than 5 seconds and things would end up in the pool, or covered with chalk or bubbles, and she would be tearing around the backyard in her birthday suit. The monkey business happened so quickly, that I haven't completely ruled out that she's a tiny wizard.

Last week a couple of friends and I decided to check out the newest Beer Garden in Queens. I am nuts about Beer Gardens. There's something about being able to drink outdoors - even if it's on a knotty picnic table in a crowded square - that I find immensely appealing. Maybe it's because I can drink and smoke at the same time. Maybe it's because there are slim to no douchebags or skanks present when the rain threatens to mess up their hair. Or maybe it's just because it's the closest I can get to camping without actually putting myself in harm's way, AKA Bear Country USA.

While we were at the newest Beer Garden last week, one of the dudes from "Rescue Me" walked in. I don't know which one because I don't watch that show. (Yet! Relax, I'll Netflix it.) But I recognized him from his stint on "30 Rock" as Liz Lemon's ex Dennis Duffy, and that tickled me. What is the point of this story? The guy who plays Dennis Duffy has an extremely large forehead. And the bratwursts at the Beer Garden are delicious. Don't think those two facts have anything to do with each other? You're exactly right.

I'm going to see New Kids on the Block this weekend with my sister. She splurged and got us these "Meet-and-Greet" tickets that admit us to a Super Exclusive BBQ. A BBQ so exclusive, that only people who are also willing to spend obscene amounts of money will have access to it. There will be delicious food AND the chance to meet NKOTB face-to-face. That's literally what every girl on the planet wants most in this world. It's not a family of her own, or world peace - it's ribs and hugging Joey McIntyre.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Cut It Out, Hollywood

Alright, it's high time I finish my screenplay about a magic black belt that turns whoever wears it into a karate expert and one kid from a bad neighborhood with seemingly nothing left to lose gets a hold of it and at first the karate skills go to his head but then he realizes that the greatest power of all is that of friendship and he passes the black belt on to the next kid with an endearing backstory - with a soundtrack provided by Paramore and Bow Wow.

Wanna know why? Because even the most asinine and weak original stories should be considered a breath of fresh air, when you look at all the remakes and sequels Hollywood is churning out at top speed. The Neverending Story, Flight of the Navigator, Red Dawn - not to mention all the movies coming out based on toys and games.

And now this:

And it makes me sad all day. Do what you must to "Footloose", but leave "Heathers" out of it. Jerks.