Only in America

SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. (WSAZ) -- As if getting a DUI wasn’t enough, a man arrested for driving under the influence got in a lot more trouble at the police station. Police stopped Jose Cruz on Route 60 in South Charleston Monday night for driving with his headlights off. Then, he failed sobriety tests and was arrested. When police were trying to get fingerprints, police say Cruz moved closer to the officer and passed gas on him. The investigating officer remarked in the criminal complaint that the odor was very strong. Cruz is now charged with battery on a police officer, as well as DUI and obstruction.

'The Wire' Is Really Good And You Should Watch It

I was out in Long Island this weekend visiting my friend Katy. Katy has a gang of ducks that waddles through her back and front yards at all times. And everytime I saw them, I had the overwhelming urge to run at them kicking wildly. I was surprised to find out that I guess I hate ducks.

I guess I also hate Los Angeles. While talking with a friend yesterday, Los Angeles was brought up for whatever reason. And my immediate and venomous response was, "Piss on Los Angeles." Whoa - where did that come from? I've never even been to LA. It's amazing what you can learn about yourself in the most random situations.

Enough about hate. What do I love? Autumn. Today is the first day of autumn! It's time to start planning your hay rides and apple picking trips and leaf-burning bonfires. Is that illegal? To rake up your entire backyard of leaves and then set them on fire? Because we used to do it every fall back in Buffalo. My sister and I would rake all the leaves into a huge pile, and then we'd jump on the pile, and then we'd rake them back into the pile, and hide one of our rakes at the bottom of the pile, and then tell our little brother to jump on the pile, and then tell our Mom that "it was an accident" and that "we didn't tell him to jump in headfirst, ya know!" when our brother would run screaming into the house. Also there was cider!!

Show listings round the New York way soon! But for all my loyal DC fans (stop laughing) I actually will be back down for a show in December!!

Poonanza!!!! Saturday December 13th at the DC Improv Lounge. (It's the smaller room at the Club) For those of you who don't know Larry Poon for some unholy reason, acquaint yourselves here. The Poonanza is a variety show hosted by that entertainment dynamo, and there will be stand-up, sketches, and something offensive in the eyes of the Lord, I'm sure. So come on dooooown! There will be 2 shows that night - I don't know the times but I'm assuming 8-something and 10-something. I will pass along more details as I get them. Hope to see some of you there!!!

7 Years On...

And I personally feel like September 11th happened a lifetime ago. No matter how many years pass however, this is a day that should always bring with it a humbling sense of reverence and reflection. And those who were lost should never be forgotten.


So - now onto the nonsense I usually write.

Jay Leno pointed something out to guest Michael Phelps on his show Monday night - something spectacular:

Phelps got a kick out of Leno's gold-medal count chart. "If you were a country," Leno told Phelps, "you would be the 9th-ranked country in the world. You beat France!"

Oh snap. Le snap. One of our athletes got more gold medals than the entire country of France. It's so good. So good that I don't even need to say anything. Let's all just enjoy the moment.

The other night I was out with my friend Katy, when the conversation turned to Stalin. Which is perfectly normal, I'm sure. We were trying to figure out the number of people who were murdered under his regime, so we could compare his numbers with Hitler (making it easier to declare one of them "Supreme Monstrous Asshole of All Creation" or something of the sort.)

So Katy googles "Stalin" and "murder count" on her blackberry. And one of the first things that comes up, is a paper titled "The Appaling Strangeness - Stalin the Scamp". Never in my life have I found a misused word so utterly offensive. Scamp? You're gonna call Joseph Stalin a scamp?!?! Scamps steal apples from apple carts, they aren't responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of people. Idiot.

Finally - Obama wasn't calling Palin a pig, for Godssakes. It's a common expression, like "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" or "douche chill".

Election Fever - Kind Of Like Olympic Fever, Except No One Really Wins

Alright - did everyone watch Palin's speech last night? Seems Sarah Palin has injected some much needed energy and excitement into McCain's bid for President. And I must say - after watching her speech last night, I don't hate her. I'm interested in learning more about what exactly she's done while in office - but my initial reaction was a positive one.

I had a much less positive reaction to the convention attendees in general. Every time the camera panned the crowd, all you saw were older white guys and older white ladies in their suits and pearls respectively. And the occasional younger woman wearing a cowboy hat with "McCain/Palin" painted all over her face. Come on Republicans! Fight the stereotype! Most people are of the opinion that the Republican party is populated solely by rich white folks and crazy middle Americans. It's not the truth - I know plenty of young Republicans that are black, or gay, or some other representation of the minority. Wouldn't you want to emphasize that group of people? Well you should. Because as I've mentioned before - not all Republicans are evil gun-toting pro-life maniacs. But you're really not helping your party's case when that's all you've bussed in for the Convention. Especially after the DNC, which was like a rock concert without the backstage antics. (As far as I know....)

Finally - I really want to destroy the Electoral College. I mean really. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to tout the merits and necessities of voting to people with the Electoral College looming in the back of my mind. I know a shocking and obscene number of people who are not registered to vote. And it's hard to try and guilt them into their civic duty when, in all actuality, the popular vote does not decide the election. Why is this still the case? How, in 2008, is the decision still left up to Congress and not the people? I may be sounding like a hippie right now - but really. Why shouldn't each individual American vote be counted? It's ludicrous.

Maybe I should start an online petition about it. Would you sign it? And for that matter - would you sign an additional petition insisting E! immediately cancel every single one of their "celebrity" reality shows? Because I might hate the Kardashians even more than I hate the Electoral College.

Trapper Keepers

Today is the first day back at school for most kids. I remember how excited I used to get when I was a kid as school approached. My Mom would take us shopping for supplies a week beforehand, and we'd get all our notebooks and glue sticks and all that good crap. And I'd swear up and down that "this was the year" I would get organized and stay organized. And then 2 weeks later I'd find that my glue stick had melted to my Trapper Keeper, and that no less than 3 erasers, 7 pen caps, and a whole report on crocodiles had gotten irreparably stuck. Then I would abandon all pretense of being organized, insisting instead that I was "too cool" to have everything in order. Being "too cool" was also my excuse for wearing tan pantyhose under my shorts so as to give off the impression that I got a tan over the summer.

Speaking of school, I attended my high school reunion this weekend. 10 years - it's a long time, and no time at all. It's amazing how so much has changed, but how so many people are exactly the same. And that's a good thing.

So, Sarah Palin, huh? My Dad was piiiiiiissed when he found out. Not just because she's a woman (though I'm sure that factored into his gut reaction), but also because he bet my sister a bottle of booze that McCain would tap Romney. But if I've told him once I've told him a thousand times: "Dad - stop betting on Mormons."