"How The Shit Did That Happen?"

That's a direct quote from my father, who happened to confuse my older sister and I during this past holiday week, and was extremely disoriented by it.

Christmas week has come and gone, and I have enjoyed another week of mind-numbing alcohol consumption back home in Buffalo. What is it about going home that makes you want to drink until you can't recognize your relatives? (My Dad's defense)

And now we are just 3 short days away from 2007. 2006 has been a transitional year for me, to say the least, and I am looking forward to focusing my concentration on comedy in the next year. Getting on stage as often as possible is the A #1 resolution on my list.

Here are some others:

-Get better at keeping in touch with my friends. I mean, how long does it take to write an e-mail.....or just make a phone call.....or send a quick text....ummm.....I'll talk to you guys in 2008

-Take care of unfinished business between myself and PS 221

-Continue my lonely boycott of "Grey's Anatomy". You won't break me, Dr. McSweaty, or whatever your name is

-Steal the Hope Diamond

-Learn how to play Bridge

-Never mind, Bridge is for a**holes

-Frame Dame Judi Dench for theft of Hope Diamond

-Cure gout

-Never do that again...gross

On The Other Hand

Out of respect for the Holiday Season, I have decided to compile a list of a few things that don't piss me off-or even make me happy!-to balance out the list in the previous post:

-"Little People, Big World"

-Gingerbread Lattes

-Just making it on the subway car as the doors are closing

-How undeniably satisfying it is when you're on the subway car, and the door closes in someone else's face. It doesn't make you mean-spirited if you laugh, it's just pretty funny when it's not you

-Dogs

-Happy Hour

-Stores that are open 25 hours

-Mashed potatoes

-A Christmas Story

-All my family, friends and the National Hockey League


Happy Holidays!! I'm heading home on Friday and will be in Buffalo until next Wednesday, giving thanks for how cheap Labatt Blue is back in Western NY.

God Bless us everyone.

Kayak

Good set at the NY Improv (now the Broadway Comedy Club, I believe) last night. It felt good to shake it off and just do the comedy thing for the first time in a while. It's therapeutic. Like a bottle of whiskey and some NyQuil.

I've been in kind of a foul mood for the past couple of weeks. I can't really pinpoint a specific reason for my being so curmudgeonly, but I have compiled a list of possibilities:

-"The View"

-People standing on the left side of an escalator. It's stand on the right, and walk on the left.

-Pecans

-Fingerless gloves being sold as functional articles of clothing. Come on, send those back to Hobo Town.

-Suri Cruise

-The Department of the Interior

-French Guyana

-Holiday parties being held in the office. "Eat, drink and be merry!...Right after you collate this report and fax it to HQ."

-Antivenom

Shutup Baby, I Know It!

This is my 100th post. Woop-i-dee-doo. This post is a celebration of the glory that has been my blog for the past year and change. It's kind of like a Centennial Celebration, only without the balloons and tributes and emotionally-charged anthems. But there will be Dippin' Dots ice cream. Ice cream in tiny ball form? The future is now!!!!

I have lots I feel I should be writing about, but no time. I am finishing up at my day job at the end of this month, and I have loose ends that need to be tied. Yessiree, at the end of 2006, I will have successfully quit 4 different jobs in one year. It's a record I'm sure, and you're all terribly impressed. Next year my goal is to intentionally sabotage at least 6 functional relationships. Don't think I can do it? Then you've never dated me.

Tomorrow night!!! NY Improv!!!! 7pm!!!!!!! Come down and see me perform some stand-up comedy! Write it off on your tax return! Of course you can!

Ny Improv: 318 W. 53th Street, between 8th and 9th aves. Showtime is at 7pm!!

Tis the season to see some NY comedy.

So What Are You Really Thinking?

Actual cat-call I heard this morning while on my way into work:

"Hey! Hey you! I like your body!"

Direct, unmistakable, to the point. This guy was all business. He needed to holler at the women passing by, make his opinions known, and then get on with his day. You have to respect that.

The front page of the NY Post today read "SURRENDER MONKEYS", referring to the Iraq Panel that has recently come to the conclusion that the US may not be winning the war in Iraq. The Post even went the extra mile and put the faces of Lee Hamilton and James Baker on monkey bodies. And two days ago, the front page screamed "TACO HELL!", with reference to the recent outbreak of E. coli at local Taco Bell franchises. Do you get it? The restaurant is called Taco Bell, but they said Taco Hell!!! It's almost too clever. You just can't put a price on sensationalism like that. I know my $0.25 is always gonna go to the paper with the best use of punctuation and Clip Art first thing in the morning.

Stay the course, NY Post. Stay the course.

You Know, I'd Probably Want to Kill the Whos Too...

My friend Katy and I went to buy a Christmas tree for my apartment on Sunday. It's very exciting-this is the first time I've had a Christmas tree in my place since I lived in Mt. Pleasant. And back then, we decorated the tree with the discarded bullet shells we found on the streets, Ah, back in the days before gentrification...

Katy brough over a whole bunch of Christmas movies to watch while we decorated the tree. A Christmas Story, Mickey's Christmas Carol, Emmit Otter's Jugband Christmas, and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. She and I both agreed that had we been in the Grinch's shoes, we would have reacted the same way to all the Whos and their outrageous musical toys and garish decorations and undoubtedly terrible-smelling feasts. Common courtesy doesn't have to fly out the window because you and your 500 closest relatives need to sing garbled carols while enjoying your "Who Hash". Bastards.

Happy Belated Birthday to my friend Sara, who turned 26 on Friday!!! Happy Birthday Hooch!

I went out on Saturday night with Larry Poon and Frank Hong. We went to a party in Midtown in a high-rise building overlooking the Hudson River. Frank and Larry and I decided then and there to get a swank place of our own. And we've worked it out financially-we just need to get 5 more people to be roommates. Any takers? Bring your own Shower Caddy.