Gone Fishin'

Actually I'm going on vacation. But who knows-I might fish.

(There will be no fishing)

Await my return with baited breath, and I will reel you in with stories of tomfoolery and good times.

And I promise not to use any more fishing analogies.

Good luck to the Buffalo Sabres tonight in Game 6 against the Carolina Hurricanes. Since the Rangers have decided to choke in the playoffs once again, I am rooting for the hometown team.

Bye.

Late Birthday Wishes Are For Suckers

However, I partake in them. I'm an asshole.

To Meg-O and Skippy; two of my most outrageous friends who both celebrated their birthdays yesterday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! I wish I could have been present for the undoubtedly raucous celebrations, but I love you both and I was there in spirit!

Meg-I will see you in Atlantic City!!!

Skippy-Rattle Rattle Rattle!!!


And now for a quick and loooooooong overdue shout-out to my friend Sara: Sara is running a marathon in Alaska next month. She has been training and fundraising like a muthafucka, and she's actually going to accomplish what so many of us talk about when the harsh light of daybreak plays upon the empty whiskey bottles littered by the fire pit in the gully. Even though she's had an extremely difficult past few months-she's managed to pull through and make the rest of us look bad.

I'm proud of you Sara!!!
(Showoff)

That's it for today. Go read Chris White's blog. That dude is funny.

The Universal Language

Funny thing happened to me at work the other day:

Two of the girls that I share an office with are from Europe. One is from Denmark, and the other is from Bulgaria. They are both very cool ladies, around my age.

So yesterday as I was trudging through mind-numbing paperwork, I started to hum to myself to help pass the time. I don't know why the tune I picked was the theme song from "The Neverending Story", it just was.

After about 3 minutes of my almost certainly out of tune humming, Karen (from Denmark) turns to me and says, "Oh, do you own that movie? I haven't seen it since I was a little girl."

I just stared at her, confused. "You know "The Neverending Story"?!?!"

To which Krassimira (from Bulgaria) replied, "Well, we did have childhoods you know."

And all I could say was, "Yeah...but in Copenhagen? And Sofia?!?!"

Well, shut my mouth. That'll learn me.

It just goes to show you: Nothing can bring peoples of very different cultures and backgrounds together quite like a cheesy fantasy movie from the 1980s.

Because science fiction/fantasy films + 1980s Graphics + A bottle of Goldschlager = Who needs human contact anyway?!?!

Oh and this is for all the dorks. And this too. Just think of the possibilities...

Lord, I'll never date again.

Support

Tonight is the DC Improv Open Mic Finals. I know some of the comics performing, and I want to give some love to my boys Stephen Varol, Justin Schlegel, Jon Mumma, Dawan Owens and Lawrence Owens. All extremely funny guys with a lot of talent, and I know they will all do well.

I think my friends Ryan Conner and Danny Rouhier will also be performing. Either some short sets at the beginning and end of the show, or else they will finally unleash that erotic performance art piece they've been working on for so long. Either way-good times.

Archie the 84 lb. Baby

That's the actual title of a show on the Discovery Health channel.

A show about an abnormally large child.

An abnormally large child named Archie.

If you know what's good for you-you'll watch it.

I feel like there's a lot to write about, but I'm too flippin lazy. So instead, I have gone into old e-mails I have saved in my account. After reading a few from waaaay back, I have decided that almost every e-mail exchange I have is testament to both my greatness; and my need for professional help.

But man, some of them made me laugh out loud. So I've decided to share my gift of e-mail absurdity with you all. The following are a random sampling of things I have written to intelligent, caring human beings. And no, I have no idea what I was on at the time:

-"The details aren't important. What's important is that I'm a Flinstone Kid, and we're ten million strong and growing. That's right, we're an unholy army of the night and we won't rest until we have every single cherry cobbler from every single Swanson's frozen dinner ever made. I don't wannnnnnna eat my steak! I just want dessert!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-"You're so predictable, what with your "caramel corn" and your "Shrinky Dink Parties". You make me sick."

-"Last night I got to get some grocery shopping done, and continue work on my memoirs. "My Memoirs" is code for the molotov cocktails I have been stockpiling in my closet. Refuse me store credit, will you?!?! Well, you'll get your come-uppance Fashion Bug!!!!!"


Yes, just some of the hilarity that takes place when I work my magic on the keyboard. I actually have some hysterical e-mails that other people wrote to me-and as soon as I talk to my lawyer and check if everything's kosher, I'll post those.

And that's the equivalent of a clip show for a blog. Frivolous sh*t I've already written and at least one person has already read.

And if the 7 people that read this blog are unhappy with it, please forward me a self-addressed stamped envelope. I will send you an official apology (apology may not be official), two tickets to an NCAA tournament game (tickets are to a 'Peter Paul and Mary' show in Scranton 6 years ago) and personally do my very best to work on producing the high-quality blog you have all become so accustomed to reading (author makes no promises, is already half in the bag and wonders sometimes 'where in the hell you people get off anyway' ).

Archie for President!

I'm Seriously Considering Selling My Eggs....

Saw an ad that said people are willing to pay $8,000 for eggs.

Eight grand. Wow.


In other news-I recently got word that a good friend is moving. TO SWITZERLAND. Who goes to Switzerland? This guy, apparently. I'm not sure who he's told yet, so I won't name names. Suffice it to say he's one of my oldest friends, and more than likely needs a haircut right now.

More later.