Tar Tar Sauce

I got really drunk on Saturday night. It was an engagement party for my friends Kathriona and Ger, at Fado in Chinatown. Good times. There was a girl in the bathroom who I offended, apparently. She was talking (at top volume, mind you) about how people always tell her she looks like Renee Zellweger. So I turned to my friend Melissa and stated that I'm of the opinion that Renee Zellweger looks like she has gotten smashed in the face with a shovel. Repeatedly. Well, the whole bathroom fell silent, and the girl pulled some sort of "Well, I never!!!" crap. Apparently I really upset her, seeing as how she considers herself Ms. Zellweger's doppleganger. Whatever, Lady.

Other than that-the night was pretty by-the-book. I ended up having a wicked hangover on Sunday, and my friend Mike was feeling the same way. So it was off to brunch with us. We both had a few drinks-hair of the dog and all that. By the end of brunch, I think I was drunk all over again because some guy at the table next to us got fish, and when the waiter asked him if he wanted tar tar sauce with his meal, I thought it was the funniest shit I'd ever heard. In my defense-"tar tar sauce" is a pretty odd phrase.

And now it's Halloween. And I am buying candy on the way home, because the last two years that I didn't have any in my apartment on Halloween night, I got about 30 kids come to my door. So then I was "that lady". You know the lady-the one that hands out mini-tubes of toothpaste and floss, and other crappy knick-knacks. Only I didn't even have anything like that lying around, so I handed out Ziploc baggies full of Cheez-its, some old cassette tapes and bundles of Q-Tips. .....Actually, I may have saved myself the trouble. I'll bet those kids have learned that I'm the weird lady who doesn't give out candy and usually answers the door crying. This year they probably won't even ring my bell. They'll just throw rocks and flaming rolls of toilet paper through my window.

Ah....the children are our future...

KUMITE-RRIFIC!

Last night was the Comedy Kumite Tournament of Champions. A gathering of some of DC's brightest comedy stars and most outrageous heroin addicts. Everyone that performed last night falls into both of those categories.

The show was a lot of fun. Not so much the performing, as the nonsense that went with it. I saw two men kiss, was subjected to unrelenting sexual harassment, made Ryan and Rory both extremely uncomfortable while discussing my past indiscretions, and I think there was even some ice cream involved. Better than my birthday? You know it!

Everyone that performed last night is both a friend of mine AND someone I really admire as a comic. And Zach Toczynski is the prettiest man I've ever seen to boot! Frank Hong ended up taking home the crown-and rightly so. I'm always delighted when Frank does well-he's simultaneously one of the funniest and most bizarre comics I've ever seen-and an absolute joy to watch. Is it really obvious that I'm going to ask him for money?

A big thank you to Chris White for dreaming the Kumite up about 2 years ago and continuing to make it one of the most inventive and enjoyable comedy formats out there. And also for not smashing my brains in with that chair. That took class, my friend.

So what's next for me? Well, even though I really don't see how that's any of your business, I'll tell you: Alcohol. This week my day job took it upon itself to hand me my ass and make me wear it as a hat. What does that mean? I don't know-look it up. Needless to say, I have been swamped at work and this weekend I am alllll over getting some sleep and getting some drunk. One of my good friends is getting married in 2 weeks, and I think I will be raising a glass to her at some point this weekend. Her nuptials will mark the EIGHTH couple I know that has gotten hitched this year. Eight....flippin'....couples. Thank God I bought all that stock in Crate & Barrel and Pottery Barn and the Pleasure Palace. These registry purchases are paying for themselves!!

I will be at the Comedy Spot again on Sunday November 6th for a second installment of the Geekfest Comedy Tour 3000. Take a lot of the comics that were there last night, add Jon Mumma and Danny Rouhier, and stir. And what you've got is a pungent concoction that could choke a packmule! Gooooooooooooooo COMEDY!

What's that? You want to know who gets my vote for the Supreme Court nomination now that Harriet Miers has withdrawn? That's easy.

Harry Anderson.

Retarculous

Retarculous is my new favorite word. It is a hybrid of the two words "retarded" and "ridiculous", and I can use it to explain pretty much everything in my life.

"How's your job, Erin?" "It's retarculous."

"How's the family, Erin?" "They're retarculous."

"Why won't you submit to a lie detector test, Erin?" "Because these accusations are retarculous. You got nothin' on me, Pig."

And so on. I'd be lying though if I said I made up this magnificent word all by my lonesome. No-I must give credit where credit is due, and tip my hat to Drew. Drew....something. I forget his last name. It's not important. What is important, is that he has a website and a book that I recently purchased, both titled, "Toothpaste for Dinner". Awesome. You should check them out. Things like this make me laugh out loud.

COMEDY KUMITE TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS!!! IT APPROACHES!!!!

Are you tired of comedy shows lacking in giant hamster wheels and ever-swinging medicine balls?!? Do you crave dry wit with a side of paint-balling gone horribly wrong?!? Do you have vivid and arousing dreams of running onstage and clothes-lining a hapless prop comic?!? If you answered yes to any of the previous questions-then this show is for you. Or else this Valium is-and you should really take it easy, Buddy.

Thursday, October 27th at 8pm. At the Comedy Spot, in the Ballston Common Mall. Watch as former champions of past Kumite competitions meet onstage for a fight to the finish. Or until the 9:15pm showing of Wallace & Gromit starts at the movie theatre next door. Either way-you are guaranteed bloodshed!!!....Because none of the competitors are very graceful and 3 have inner ear infections-so it's pretty much a lock that someone will fall down on their way to the stage. Yes......isn't that what you paid for???

$5 at the door gets you some of the funniest comics in the DC area. And access to delicious grape sodas. So some on down!! Take the Orange Line to the Ballston Metro stop and you're like, 2 blocks away from the Mall. For real. AND there's a Ruby Tuesday's RIGHT THERE. Can I get a "chili cheese fries"?! Yes. Yes I can.

For further details and information that delves into the psyche of every contestant, check this out.

And now I'm off. I need some coffee so bad it's retarculous.

Back To Reality

Wasn't that a song? A really popular song from like, the late 80s or early 90s? "Back to liiiiife...back to reality". Well-if it wasn't, then I have just identified myself as a colossal dork.

But I am back in DC after a lovely 5 days in Florida with my mother and sister. It always amazes me-going to visit my Mom. She lives in this gated condominium community, where the average age is 73, and no one wears their socks below their kneecaps. My Mom, in her early 50s, is a terrifying young whippersnapper in comparison. Though it is a little scary to realize that every time I go visit my Mom, dinnertime gets earlier and earlier. Like eating earlier is the one way she has decided to acclimate herself. We went to this little seafood place the one night, and Mom handed me the Early-Bird special menu. I promptly punched her in the nose and reminded her that she didn't have a bridge game to run off to or an irritable bowel system. I think she's learned her lesson.

What else did I do in Florida, besides wail on my mother and get drunk every night? Well, I went to the beach. The beach is where modesty goes to die. I tried to shield my eyes from the horrors, but everywhere I turned I saw another ill-fitted swimsuit or wrinkly ass crack. I promptly got drunk again.

Now I am back in sunny DC, where the weather makes me want to cut myself and my apartment is in need of divine intervention so that it can appear somewhat livable again. That means you, Jesus!

I gotta wrap this up. But before I do, a shout-out to my boys in Satellite:

Satellite is made up of Ryan Conner, Justin Schlegel, Danny Rouhier, Jon Mumma, Doug Powell, Rory Scovel and my Baby's Daddy Frank Hong. Funny funny guys. Their first show is tomorrow night, and I hear it's already sold out! And if you don't catch them tomorrow night, you should definitely try and see them soon. Because even though they look funny, and can't seem to get the concept of "personal space", and not one of them has mastered the art of breathing through his nose, and I think at least two of them have started their share of fires-they're still funny mother fuckers.

God Bless.

Pop-and-Lock Like You MEAN IT

I don't know if I've mentioned this in any previous posts-but I am taking hip-hop classes. (Pause for collective laughter) I know-it's ludicrous. But I was sitting around my apartment one day, and I was like, "You know what? I'm not embarassed enough by myself and what a colossal dork I am. I should do something about that..." And Taa-Daaa! I now take hip-hop classes on Tuesday nights.

What does it entail? Well, an hour of my getting increasingly angry as everyone around me excels at doing the robot and I'm still trying to figure out why my headband and matching writsbands itch so badly. But-it's great exercise, and there's a kick-ass bar right around the corner-so I think I'll stick it out. Besides...I've already paid for like, 13 classes.

So it's been awhile between postings! I'd apologize, but who really gives a hot damn? Exactly. I'd like to say I've been busy and rattle off the list of things that have occupied my time. But instead, I'll tell you that I'm lazy, and list everything I did over this past 3-day weekend:

1.) Friday night-Got drunk at home and watched movies

2.) Saturday-Thought to myself, "Holy crap-that's a lot of rain. Thank God I don't live in a basement apartment. Or in a house made of straw. Or with my brother-in-law, in that house full of chinchillas and Saturday morning Jazzercise classes, where there's never anything to eat except pancakes, and where everyone is expected to cover their mouths when they sneeze instead of setting the guest room on fire because they're angry about a dispute during a Scattergories game where I was totally robbed of all my really great answers by that cheating-ass Neighbor Boy Rusty who I KNOW didn't think of 'marmalade' all by himself...I mean, the kid has PALSY for Godssakes!!!"

3.) Saturday night-Made tearful drunken phone call to brother-in-law to apologize for act of arson that cost him thousands of dollars of damage, along with the lives of three chinchillas

4.) Sunday-Slept it off

5.) Sunday night-Attended concert with friend. Really great, folksy-bluegrass group. Audience reminded me why I hate hippies

6.) Monday-Caps vs. Rangers game. Though the Rangers lost-still had an enjoyable time drinking beer and threatening the lives of those around me. Best comeback I heard all game? "Shutuuuuuuuup!!" Ouch. You got me, man.

So as you can see, an extremely eventful weekend. I think I also had some string cheese at some point.

Upcoming shows:
Oct.27th-Comedy Kumite Tournament of Champions (Comedy Spot-Ballston Common Mall)
Nov. 6th-Geekfest Comedy Reunion Tour.....or some shit (Comedy Spot-Ballston Common Mall)
December 1st-Wiseacres Showcase
December 6th-Nanny O'Brien's in Cleveland Park -this one may be important, because not only is Nanny O'Brien's the first place I ever did comedy-it may very well end up being the last show I do in DC before moving to NY as planned at the end of the year. So what does that mean to you? probably nothing, you heartless shell of a human being. To me? That I will be having an EXTRA shot of Bushmills that night...

That's all for now! I'm flying out Friday evening with my sister to go and spend some quality time with my mother in Florida. What does this mean? Beer, wine, daiquiris and my constant attempts to capture manatees and alligators. I'll try and take pictures.

5-3, Bitches

Yes indeed: 5-3 was the final score of the Rangers/Flyers game last night. And it brings me great joy to inform you that the team that got the 5 goals, was the NY Rangers. That's right-they WON their season opener.

Yeah...I cried........so what?

Moving on-

Have you seen the Family Guy DVD movie yet? Wow-go see it if you haven't. Buy it, rent it, "borrow it from a friend" like I did, watch through the window while your neighbor is enjoying it-I will advocate whatever it takes for you to see this movie. Why? Because while it is enjoyable throughout-you're gonna wanna watch it for one scene involving this national treasure: Wilford Brimley. I know. He's beautiful.

Speaking of beautiful things, go here and get all your holiday shopping done in one fell swoop. I mean, oh my God. And the pun was most certainly intended. Enjoy!

Should I even reference the deluge of celebrity news we seem to be experiencing? That Katie Holmes is pregnant with an infertile and homosexual man's child? That MENSA member Jessica Simpson might be divorcing her already canonized husband Nick Lachey? That some guy in a van ran into Lindsay Lohan's car and didn't kill her?!?!?!?!

No-I think the most important news story of the day is this one. Seriously-it's a sad state of affairs when a girl can't enjoy discarded cigarette butts from the dirty ground anymore, without being labelled a "shrew". Who are you to pass judgement, China? No, shutup-a YOUR face!!

Updates on my performance schedule are forthcoming. So you'll just have to wait a little longer, and put those incriminating negatives back in your pocket. You'll blackmail me soon enough...

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!!

Christmas? Nawww. Arbor Day? You'd think so, but no. The weeks following my "not-guilty" verdict? Close-but not quite.

Today begins the most wonderful time of the year-HOCKEY SEASON. Opening day is upon us, and I am delirious with joy! Though my joy is somewhat tempered by the fact that I will be watching my beloved NY Rangers tonight on the Outdoor Life Network, instead of ESPN or any spanish-language channels. Seriously-when did hockey become on par with the Tour de France?!?

Anyhoo-any Rangers fans out there can tune into OLN tonight at 7pm for Rangers vs Flyers. Boooo Flyers!! And Monday (Columbus Day) the Rangers are playing the Caps at 1pm at the MCI Center. Meet me in the drunk tank!

Why do I love hockey so much? Shutup-that's none of your business!

Also, because I grew up in Buffalo NY-a town where hockey players are revered as Gods!! Baseball, basketball and football players were lesser deities-though I'm sure they got plenty of tail as well.

Hockey is the last great team sport. Yes-TEAM sport I said. If a line doesn't work well together-it doesn't matter what superstar you have playing center-it just ain't gonna fly.

Hockey rules. I have played it, taught it, watched it and loved it since I was about 13 years old. And I am soooo happy it's back!!

Moving on-it is a very special day for another reason-it's my boy Mikey's 25th birthday!! Well Happy Birthday Mikey!!!! I'm sure that in the near future there will be alcohol consumption in honor of this milestone-but in the meantime I'll just drink from the flask I have here in my desk at work.

My week of shows at the DC Improv have ended, and I am very sad. But it was a great week-Bob Marley was great to work with; and who doesn't want to hear about Mike Shader's penis all the time?? Big thanks to all who came out-it meant a lot to me.

Oh-another congratulations needs to go out: Ryan Conner, DC comic and friend to woodland creature big and small-tied the knot on Sunday. And after his shoes were securely tied-he walked up an aisle and got married to his girlfriend Anne. So congratulations to you two!!! Mine was the largest present or envelope most overflowing with money. The card with my name on it just fell off.

Any comics want stage time tonight? I know a place. Drop me a line if you want the details: Erin_Conroy99@hotmail.com Don't bother asking if you won't play nude.