No There's No Place Like Home For The Holidays...

I'm leaving NYC tonight for Buffalo. Good old 7-foot snowfall, windchill well below zero, oh my God is that black ice Buffalo. MmmHmmm.

Wishing you and yours a very Merry whatever holiday you're celebrating!!!!

And now for a holiday comparatives lesson:

Snow Day

It's snowing somethin' terrible here in NYC right now, and still I know it's 75 and balmy compared to what I'll be getting back home in Buffalo for Christmas. Looking forward to the drive.

Last weekend I was back home in DC for the Poonanza 6. As usual, it was awesome to see everyone, and really great to do a show with so many hilarious fellow comics and friends. Also as usual - I returned to work on Monday morning with little to no voice left. I spend a lot of time in DC yammering on about inconsequential or completely random things until 5am. Last weekend? Melissa and I stayed up and waxed philisophical about what the next great plague is going to be. My vote? TB.

I need to continue/finish my Christmas shopping this weekend. Ideas? I welcome any and all suggestions. What are the cool electronic gadgets/gizmos available now? You'll have to tell me, as I'm about 20 years behind the curve when it comes to the newest technology.

And speaking of technology, have you heard of these new microwave ovens? Cook your roast in half the time!! The future is now!!

Odd Requests

So I just dropped my spare set of keys off with a friend who lives in my neighborhood in Queens. My reason for doing so? I need him to water my Christmas Tree while I'm in DC this weekend.

Yeah, no, I seriously asked a friend to go out of his way and stop by my apt on a Saturday afternoon so that he can water my tree. He seemed a little baffled by the request, asking when I was leaving and when I'd be back. When I made it clear that I would just be gone for the weekend, he blinked a couple of times and said, "Really? Two days? And you need me to water your tree?"

Listen - I love my tree. I know it seems like a singularly absurd request, but what if no one watered it and it died? What if it died?!?! And I came home to a heart-wrenching mess of dead needles and pieces of my shattered Spongebob Squarepants ornaments who weren't properly supported by thick, healthy branches?! What then?!? I rest my case. Plus I offered him some of the cold pizza in my fridge for doing me this favor. I could tell he was intrigued, especially after telling him it was pepperoni. That's A-1 leftover pizza. Suck it, mushroom.

Why am I going to DC this weekend? You know. POONANZA 6!!! The show may already be sold out for 8pm, and as I said before we might be adding a second show at 10:30pm, but no guarantees. So if you still wanna go - but have been resting on your laurels like a Frenchman - call the DC Improv now at (202) 296-7008 and get tickets! Or go to the website! It's http://www.dcimprov.com/! Wooo!

Also - I'll be back at Gotham Comedy Club here in NYC on Tuesday January 13th. More details on that later.

A couple of weeks ago, I was wandering around Midtown with a friend of mine. (Great story! Wait, it gets better!) Around the Madison Square Garden area, there is a massive billboard advertising Bill O'Reilly's show. The billboard has his requisite smug face glaring out at all manner of tourists and hobos; but it also has rankings. The O'Reilly Factor, according to the all-knowing billboard, is the 2nd highest rated cable TV show. Wow! That's pretty good, right? The billboard even had the good sense to list the 1st and 3rd shows, so as to quell any curiosity about the O'Reilly Factor's strongest competition. The rankings are as follows:

1) NFL Football

2.) The O'Reilly Factor

3.) Spongebob Squarepants

Oh man, did that tickle me. NFL Football? OK. Duh. But Spongebob? I find it hilarious that they even listed that on the billboard. Shouldn't Bill & Co. be a little embarassed that they're probably only a few hundred thousand viewers away from being less relevant than a sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Also Squidward.

Gumnut Cottage

Do you have HBO? If you do, then chances are good you have access to HBO OnDemand. Go on your HBO OnDemand and check out the new show "Summer Heights High". It's faaaaantastic!!

So I'm back in NYC. Though not for lack of effort from Mother Nature and the airline industry. Good God. I was supposed to land at JFK around 9:35pm last night. Instead, I landed at JFK around 1am last night/this morning. And then I got in a taxi line that made me throw up a little bit, it was so long. After about 45 minutes of standing in that line, I finally flagged down one of those shady guys in windbreakers who pace up and down the line telling you they'll take you somewhere right now in their un-marked sedan for an absurd price and a totally gratis sense of unease. That's how tired I was.

But it was worth it. It was a great trip, and my Mom was really happy to have one of her no-good kids with her to celebrate the holiday. And I learned a few things about myself as well:

1.) I can't hear someone say "A1A" without yelling "BEACH FRONT AVENUE" immediately after. This was troublesome, as A1A runs right past my Mom's condo complex, so people were constantly giving directions and telling stories that included that particular road. Oh Vanilla, your grip on my psyche is still as strong as steel.

2.) I have no patience for stories I've already heard once. I'm becoming extremely cantakerous with every passing year. It used to be that I could sit and listen to a rambling story about egg cartons that an aged person has already told 3 times in my presence, just for the sake of being polite. Not anymore. If someone starts in on a familiar anecdote, I have taken to immediately excusing myself and walking away while muttering under my breath. It's pretty rude, yes. But so is assuming that we enjoyed hearing about that time you almost got the speeding ticket from the officer only to realize it was a taxi in your rearview mirror all along hahahahahaha so much that you should tell it no less than seven times.

3.) I am a comedy snob. I have no patience for sh*tty or hackey jokes. And my Thanksgiving dinner was riddled with them, thanks to one guest who made it a point to crank out as many old, tired and just plain awful puns as he could. And every time he would say one, there would be scattered laughter, and maybe one person would clap and sigh, "Good one", and the offending guest would then look to me for affirmation of his craft. After a while I couldn't even fake a smile anymore. When he brought out the gem, "That CPR class wasn't worth what we paid....it was full of dummies!!!", I finally just dropped my eyes to my plate and whispered, "You're killing me."

Anyhoo-any DC peeps who are planning on coming to Poonanza 6 on Saturday December 13th at the DC Improv - there has been a change. Now we will probably only do one show at 8pm, instead of one at 8pm and one at 10:30pm. Which means this show will definitely sell out - so I recommend getting your tickets sooner rather than later if you want to go. If there is a significant deluge of people looking to see the show, we may just go ahead and schedule a second that night. But there are no guarantees. So go to the website or call the Improv directly for your tickets!! I think I put all the contact details in the last blog entry, so I'm not gonna re-post them here. Because I'm too busy (read = lazy).

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!!!!