Comedian Erin Conroy: November 2006

Comedian Erin Conroy

Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Lamest Show on Earth!

Last night, my friend Sara came over to my place to hang out. We watched a bunch of episodes of "Strangers with Candy", which I'm embarassed to admit I've never really seen before. It's a pretty twisted show, so naturally I enjoyed it immensely.

When Sara was heading home, I said I'd walk her across the bridge to the Subway. So we head up the stairs to the top of the Pulaski Bridge, and just as we're stepping onto the top, a grown-ass man in khakis, a button-down shirt and a fedora rides past us on a unicycle. A unicycle. It was 10:45 on a Wednesday night, on a bridge that goes from Brooklyn to Queens, and this man didn't look insane. Still, he felt this was the ideal time to work on his balance and showmanship on one of history's gayest modes of transportation.

The best part? Sara didn't even miss a beat. She just kept talking and talking while I scoured the immediate area for something to shove in the unicycle's spokes.

Today at work, Ryan Conner's Asian doppelganger came into the office. This dude had the same mannerisms, the same fashion sense, the same hip and cool haircut. He even looked like Ryan, only Asiany-er.

I have a show on Wednesday December 13th at the NY Improv. Have I mentioned that yet? Well, it's true. Are you calling me a liar? Let's settle this in the Thunderdome.

Two men enter, Tina Turner referees.

Monday, November 27, 2006


And the Holiday season has officially begun! I hope everyone's Thanksgiving was great! I spent mine with two of my favorite people Kathriona and Ger, who were over visiting from Ireland. We ordered chicken wings and pizza, and got drunk watching old episodes of Da Ali G Show. Beautiful. I'm as traditional as I wanna be, baby.

The decision has been made: I'll be doing the show at the NY Improv on Wednesday December 13th. Show starts around 7pm-7:15pm. So tell your friends, because I want them to be my friends too. Don't be greedy-I let you borrow my Dirt Devil. It's basically the same thing.

I have a quote in this story from Sunday's Washington Post. Revel in the hilarity. Or die trying.

Big shout-out to my Mom, who recently got some infintely sh*tty news: Hey, if anyone can handle it, you can. You are easily the strongest woman I know. And besides; you'll always have your alcoholic, quick-tempered, Alaskan-salmon-poaching children to help get you through it. Love you Mom!!!!!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Maximum Power Sex

My neighborhood in Brooklyn is predominantly Polish. There are Polish bookstores, Polish clothing shops, and about 67 butcher shops within a 10-block radius. Little Warsaw, she is my home.

But the best part about living in my neighborhood, are the little treasures you stumble upon unexpectedly. I was in a Polish-owned pharmacy the other day, and at the counter there was a little basket of plastic packets; they almost looked like the individual packages of Tylenol you can get. Anyway-upon closer inspection, I realized that this was actually a basket full of some sort of Polish ED drug, called "MAXIMUM POWER SEX". Oh man, the half-assed translation into English (phrases like "You have trouble pleasure for woman? No! You have MAXIMUM POWER SEX!!"), coupled with the crude erotic caricatures all over the wrapper, made for one of the funniest products I have ever seen. I picked one up and laughed until I started to cry, and the poor woman behind the counter explained to me, "No no! Is for men! No for you! Is for men!"

And I was just like, "It sure is..."

Possible show at the NY Improv on December 13th. I say possible because that's the same night as my work Christmas party. I just have to decide if I'm gonna do some comedy, or drink too much with my co-workers and end the night by challenging everyone within earshot to a wrestling match; in keeping with one of my family's many holiday traditions.

I'm leaning towards drunken office wrestling...

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The Power of Me

I recently got DVR in my apartment.

I'll blog more after I finish watching all the "Empty Nest" reruns I recorded off of TVLand. And "Herman's Head" and "Dear John" and "Nurses" and any other kind of awful sitcom from the late 80s early 90s.

My life has finally begun.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Good Morning, Prague

Early-morning commuting in NY is not a pleasant experience. Especially if you're coming into Manhattan from one of the other boroughs. Most especially if you've made the mistake of taking the G train on any leg of your journey. But this morning, it was made even more unpleasant by this girl who was drinking a Red Bull right next to me.

I don't like the smell of Red Bull; I find it acrid and sour and I don't care how much energy it gives you Brian-I think it's a stupid drink. It also reminds me of Europe, so I tend to associate it with Eurotrash. When I lived overseas, everyone who drank Red Bull had a faux-hawk, and wore orange turtlenecks and blue-blocker sunglasses, and talked about the irony of house music and their experiences back-packing around America. Eurotrash.

I was visibly delighted when half of it went all over the place thanks to a large man sneezing-thanks to his girth he physically affected everyone around him.

Because come on, Red Bull? At 7:45 in the morning? You can't have a cup of coffee like everyone else? You're THAT girl? Well then you deserve to have your day ruined.

(And yes, I am THAT hateful in the morning. At least until I get my coffee.)

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Give Me Your Tears, Gypsy

Have you seen the Borat movie yet? Seriously, bro-don't be lame. It's only the hardest I've laughed in the theatre since Baby Geniuses. (The sequel)

Pretty fun weekend. My friend Sara has officially moved into NY, and I gave her a first class tour of my neighborhood in Brooklyn on Friday night. The first class tour consists of walking home from the Subway, ordering food from a diner, and watching the Disney Channel for 5 hours. Packages start at $1,600.

Saturday night my friend Katy and I were Borat-bound. But first we went out for a classy dinner of macaroni and cheese and PBRs. Sweet. The movie was completely sold out-we got to the theatre half an hour before showtime and only found seats together about 5 minutes before. But it was all totally worth it-the movie is GENIUS.

I just re-read that paragraph and realized it might be the most boring paragraph ever written in the history of blogging. Apologies.

Shows: I might be at the NY Improv next Wednesday. This is all dependent upon whether or not I can sequester 3-4 friends to be in attendance. Did I use that word properly? Sequester? Probably not. Also trying to set something up back in DC; I received a lovely e-mail from a family of Conroys who are not related to me, but say they are fans of mine. The very fact that they would call themselves fans is proof enough that they are in no way a member of my family. But I would love to be able to get back in the Greater Washington area and meet them.

Did you vote today? Go! Go vote! Voting is hip and cool and all the kids are doing it. Make sure you read up on the issues first, so you can make informed decisions.

Because if you don't know where you stand on Bill S1915, it could spell disaster for us all.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Settling In...

For the longest f***ing day EVER. I went to bed at 6:15am. I am still drunk.

Two funny conversations from whatever the hell I went to last night:

Person #1: And he told me-'all the best lovers I ever had were priests!!'
Me: Well, there's a glimpse into a world I wanted nothing to do with...


Me (Upon meeting Liam Neeson): Hey! Weren't you in Star Wars? I mean, the first one. The good one. Weren't you in the one that maybe sucked a little bit?

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Out of My Element

I'm going to a dinner-dance thing tonight at the Waldorf Astoria. Ha! Whaa? How did that happen? I'm not entirely sure, but open bars are my favorite kinds of bars, so I will be making the most of the evening. Tune in tomorrow for the exciting recap, including a list of the different excuses I will almost certainly have used to remove myself from conversations I found boring. (Read: EVERY conversation)

Ryan Conner wrote on his blog that someone typed in "Erin Conroy American Gladiators" into a search engine and ended up at his website. Well, I don't know how you would even figure that out. But it's pretty neat. Here are other things/topics I wouldn't be surprised to be associated with in an internet search:

-"Erin Conroy A-Team Fan Club"

-"Erin Conroy Insanity Plea"

-"Gods of Metal"

-"Erin Conroy Psoriasis Patient Zero"

-"Latin Grammys"

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

No Apples For Oil!!!

There is a fruit cart outside of my building on Lexington Avenue. At least 3 times a week, I stop by there to buy an apple for my lunch. I have been doing this for about 5 months-same cart, same time, same apple.

But for some reason, the price is never the same. One day it's $0.35, the next $0.80, the next $0.65. Today it was $0.50.

This pisses me off. What has become of the world we live in, when I can't get an apple for a consistent price anymore?!? For God's sakes, this is America. Our great nation was built on the ideas that all men are created equal, government should be for the people, and that fruit shall not be subject to inexplicable price gouging. (It's in the Bill of Rights.)

After much consideration, and lengthy discussions with the conspiracy theorist bum outside of my building, I have come to the conclusion that this is a direct result of the war in Iraq.

Bring our troops home now!! So no more hard-working Americans have to keep handing their dollars over to fruit vendors with absolutely no idea how much change they'll be getting back.