Fancy Footwork

I know I'm not the first person to write about Idaho Senator Craig's rather embarassing run-in with an undercover cop working the dreaded " airport bathroom stall beat", nor will I be the funniest. But boy howdy - this is an awesome story.

What struck me as the most shocking, was how intricate the seedy underworld of airport-bathroom-sex-solicitation really is. I mean, I was under the impression that you walk up to a stranger, maybe talk about the weather for a few minutes so as to try and determine whether or not they are "cool", and then slide them a note that looks like this:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO YOU WANT TO HAVE ANONYMOUS SEX HERE IN THE BATHROOM OR POSSIBLY BACK BEHIND THE CINNABON? (Check One)

___ YES ___ NO ___ DEPENDS...ARE YOU A COP?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But now I come to discover there is, quite literally an elaborate dance you have to master before you can even hope to contract an STD from a stranger. Behold:

"Craig was arrested at the airport while changing flights on his way to Washington. Police said that they were investigating complaints of sexual encounters by men in a restroom at the airport, and that an undercover officer was in a restroom stall when Craig sat in the stall next to him. The officer said in his arrest report that Craig began tapping his right foot, touched his right foot to the left foot of the officer and brushed his hand beneath the partition between them. The senator was then arrested."

It's like some horrible bastardization of "The Running Man" or "The Roger Rabbit". Now whenever I see someone expressing themselves through the majesty of dance or the disgrace of interperative dance anywhere besides a professional dance studio, musical or winter formal; I will assume they're propositioning me. Yep.....it's gonna be a sexy couple of months.

Thursday September 6th - Broadway Comedy Club - I forget the time - $5 at the door!!!! Come see me perform! And if you like what you see, do a few rounds of the "Hand Jive" and I'll meet you round back.

Corned Beef and Seething Hostilities

It's been a while since I blogged. What of it? Have you really missed my nonsensical diatribes and obsession with time machines? I know. I know you have. I'm back, Darling. And I'll never leave you again.

Except I'm leaving this weekend. Tonight, actually. I am going home for the annual Buffalo Irish Festival. I think it's something like 18 years that the prestigious Conroy family has been in attendance at whatever field or tented area where the Festival was being held. There's beer, Irish food, whiskey, Irish dancing, beer, Irish music and ice cream sandwiches. It's amazing.

This year we're actually boycotting it. The venue they held it in last year was a disgrace. And we're very easy to please - all the Conroys ask for are picnic tables, ample beer tents, and some guy playing the spoons to a rendition of "Wild Irish Rover". But somehow last year they screwed it all up at the last minute, and the Festival was a big ol' mess.

But I'm still heading home for it in a sense, because my father has decided we'll have our own Irish Festival at his house on the Niagara River. And that'll show 'em. That'll show 'em all. We're gonna hang out and drink all damned day, eat potatoes, and listen to Irish CDs. And if my sister gets drunk enough, she may even dance a jig. While I'm shooting at her feet, of course. That's right - a poor man's Buffalo Irish Festival.

In other news: "The Two Coreys" on A&E is my new favorite show. Never has watching 30 minutes of television made me appreciate my life so much. Because hey - at least I'm not Corey Haim.

Everyone take a moment and thank whatever god you believe in that you're not Corey Haim.

In the one episode, Corey's best friend (Really? No, probably not) Corey Feldman had to sit him down and tell him that A.) There was going to be a "Lost Boys 2", and B.) He was not going to be in it. And the tears! Oh mercy, the tears!!! Corey Haim was obviously distressed. So Corey Feldman decided to commiserate with him to help share the pain. And I quote:

"Man, I know. How do you think I felt when they made 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2' without me???"

I don't know, Corey Feldman. I couldn't even begin to know. How did you feel?

Do yourself a favor and try and catch it. It's one of those "pseudo-scripted" shows, and you can tell. But the glimpses of reality make it all worthwhile. And terribly uncomfortable.

I Can't Look At This Without Laughing Anymore...

This Post is Dedicated to Sam and Catherine

Because of their super-awesomeness.

I met Sam and Catherine at the Crowded House show I went to last night. They were sitting next to my friend Katy and I, and I could tell they were cool because they were A.) At a Crowded House concert, and B.) Drinking beer.

Sam had tickets to last night's show and tonight's show. But then he had to go out of town last minute, and was trying to sell his tickets for tonight's show. I said I'd buy them off of him - because the show was sold out anyways and I wanted to go again.

And then here's the crazy cool part: He gave them to me for FREE! No charge! I got the tickets sin dinero! It was so cool of him, and I tried to shove a fistful of American dollars at him, but he was just happy a real fan was going to be enjoying his tickets. Solid. I bought them some beers, and my faith in mankind was restored!

(And then promptly destroyed again this morning by the very friendly and dangerously sadistic dental hygienist I had the pleasure of spending an hour with.)

So now I am off! Off to see my 3rd Crowded House concert in 6 days.

YES!

(Also I have some comedy shows coming up at Mo Pitkins and the Broadway Comedy Club and wherever....more on the non-Crowded House related stuff later.)