Mean

I was watching "The Biggest Loser" the other day, because it's a good show and shut up. Anyhoo - it was the premiere episode of the season, and they were having a race to see which two of three potential contestants would actually make it onto the show.

So the three people are running the mile, and right near the finish line the one guy (Cole was his name I think) eats it. Then he gets back up and totally wipes out AGAIN. He took two pretty bad tumbles only a few feet from the end of the race and ended up losing. That sucks, and I feel bad for the guy. They ended up putting him in an ambulance and taking him away.

But then Bob, one of the trainers, used the opportunity to really drive home how serious the American obesity epidemic is. Referencing the poor guy, he addressed the crowd and said (in all seriousness), "Never forget what happened here today. Remember. Remember Cole."

Ahahahaha, what? Relax, Bob. It's not 9/11, a fatty fell down.

I Made My Bed

So I shall continue to lie in it. The next topic offered up was "the superiority of black cats", from my dear friend Beth. What? I don't know.

Black cats - I don't know what's too "superior" about these unlucky sonsabitches. Although, because of the misfortune that comes attached to black cats, I have witnessed full grown men dance out of their way rather than cross their paths. Which is always humorous.

I suppose we've seen more famous black cats than other colors of cat. That's evidence of their superiority, right? Yeah it is. There was that smart-mouthed black cat on "Sabrina: the Teenage Witch". Remember that show? Even if you don't really remember Melissa Joan Hart and her lazy eye casting spells on the likes of Punky Brewster (college years!), chances are good you kind of remember Salem, the talking cat. I vaguely remember there being a reason there was a talking cat - like he was a powerful warlock once who got imprisoned in the cat's body for some bullshit reason - but who cares? He sat on the counter and made puns and inappropriate sexual advances while his animatronic tail swayed clumsily back and forth. (Sidenote: that previous sentence in it's entirety is what is inscribed on Grover Cleveland's tombstone. I'd like you to prove that it's not.)

There's also the Cat in the Hat - he was a black cat. But you know what? F- that guy. I used to get heartburn as a kid reading that book. This cat comes in, UNINVITED if I remember correctly, to this house with these two unsuspecting kids and proceeds to destroy it. As a child whose OCD was just starting to reveal itself, this movie caused me a lot of stress. Every mess he made nagged at my subconscious, even as he pranced onto the next. I don't care if in the end he made everything ship-shape again, it's the principle of the thing. That's how you thank those kids for letting you in out of the rain? I'd hate to see how he repays a loan. (arson)

Also, thanks to Google I found these Black Cats. And they seem cool too.

(sigh)

I should have known it would be Tim who thought of a topic first. And I should have been equally confident that said topic would be Manchester United. Crimony. Here goes:

I don't know jack about soccer. Or football, as it's called everywhere else in the world. I do know that when I've worked with the Irish in the past, I've been mercilessly mocked for my pronunciation of the word "soccer". (Anne-Marie, I'm looking at you) It's not my fault, my Buffalo accent comes out loud and clear on some words more than others. You should hear me whine "Oh my God" when drunk. I'm like an extra in "Fargo".

Manchester United - aren't they like the NY Yankees of the Premier League? Like, they buy the best team and win a lot and everyone hates them? I think I heard that somewhere.

When my Mom and my sister and I were traveling through the UK and Ireland, Shannon and I got it into our heads that we wanted to go to a football match. I've never been, and it is something I'd like to experience - if for no other reason than to witness a football brawl firsthand. Because thanks to movies and TV shows, I assume there's at least one knock-down drag-out fight per game. Anyone ever see that documentary "Green Street Hooligans"? Exactly.

So Manchester United wins a lot, right? And didn't Beckham play for them? Which would explain why you see so many of their jerseys over here. The kids love Beckham - with their little faux-hawks, and utter obliviousness to the fact that soccer will get them nowhere in this country. You think you're better than me, kid? You're not better than me - I placed in the WNY All-Catholic Badminton Championships in high school. Oh no, wait - that's why EVERYONE is better than me.

The End.

Who's Still Reading This?

No blogging excuses - I just haven't been blogging, is all. And I need to blog more.

So! Whoever is still reading this, I am asking for your help: the biggest problem I have with posting is that I can never think of anything of interest to write about. I know that writing about nothing seems to be the POINT of a blog, but I dunno. Instead, I will write about the first thing that someone suggests to me. Leave your topic suggestion as a comment on the most recent blog post, or on my Facebook wall, or in e-mail format. That's a lot of options for the one person who may actually do this, but there you go. Pick a topic, and I will try and write wittily about it. First topic I get, I will write about within 48 hours. Deadlines! They ALWAYS work!!!