Strike That

The show I had tonight, the show at Willie & Reed's in Bethesda, that I know hundreds upon hundreds of you were planning to go to......has been cancelled.

So don't go there.

Unless you want to watch the Maryland game. Then by all means. Go and get your party on.

Reality Setting In

I have been talking about moving to NYC for a good long while now. Probably for about 9 years. That's a slight exaggeration. Maybe it's only been 9 months. I don't know-who's counting?

And now, after talking a big game and letting everyone know that I would be "such a ghost" one of these days-it's looking like D-Day is coming up rather quickly. My last day at my 9-5 is December 23rd, and my last day waiting tables (my true passion, of course) is December 15.

It's crazy to me that DC won't be home anymore. I've been in this town for over 7 years now. I know it like the back of my hand. I can give perfect directions to strangers who approach me on the street. I don't, obviously, because I am a hateful person who enjoys watching people with Georgia plates drive around the same circle six times. But if I was a good person, I definitely could give perfect directions.

It's intimidating. New York is a big city-and there are no shortage of horror stories; concerning the comedy scene, the rental scene, the dating scene...you name it. And believe me-I've seen my share of "Law and Order-SVU" episodes.

But as scary as this whole move is, the thought of never at least trying my stand-up in NY is ten times more terrifying. So hell-I'll go.

Now all I have to do is secure an apartment and a job...

Before I leave I have a few more shows in DC. If you wanna catch me around town:

November 30th, 8pm-Willie and Reed's, 4910A Fairmont Avenue, Bethesda: This is a fundraiser for the Didactic Theatre Company, and there will be some great comics there. $5 at the door.

December 6th, 8:30pm-Nanny O'Briens, 3319 Connecticut Avenue, NW: Ah, the Nanny's showcase. The first stage I ever performed on. I think I also puked in the bathroom once.

December 8th, ??pm-Wooly Mammoth Theatre, Downtown DC: Hey-could I know less about this show? Probably not. But I will confirm details as I get them. I do know that it's being heralded as a "Girls vs Boys" show, and should be fun. And by fun I mean hernia-inducing. Solid.

So that's that! The next entry will be less reflection and more animal attacks.

I Promise!

This Post Is EVUL!!!

I solemnly swear to start blogging more frequently in the future. And the blogs will be interesting. No more of these rambling diatribes about Wuzzles and hackey-sacks. I don't know that I've ever written about Wuzzles or hackey-sacks. But who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Hey-if you're in Buffalo/Niagara Falls, I will be there from tomorrow through Sunday. Hey-if you're in New York City, I will be there Monday and Tuesday. Buy me alcohol.

Can't write a lot now, as I'm trying to get a minimal amount of work done before clocking out. But I will pass on this little gem that was passed on to me by the lovely Katy Colleen.

Wow. Just Wow. Is it for real? Or did somebody create the most ingenious wesbite ever??

Do yourself a favor-explore EVERY SINGLE area of this website. Leave no offensive or inaccurate stone unturned.

I Have Readers In New Zealand. Choke On It, Ryan Conner.

I got an e-mail today from my friend Mark in New Zealand. Mark let me know that he has been reading my blog. This makes me deliriously happy-because not only does that bring my readership up from 4 people to 5-but I think his location more than solidifies my reputation as an "internationally-respected comedian".

Now if I can just get my screenplay picked up-then the whole world will then discover and know what others already most certainly know about my abilities that make me able to be an amazing writer who writes from the heart and will soon be world-reknowned and known all over the world.

(That run-on sentence was a joke that I think maybe 5 other comics will get.)

Check this out. Scroll down to the listing for Sunday November 6th. Hells yes. I have "actually" made the reviewers for the Washington Post nightlife section laugh in the past. In your FACE, Louis Anderson.

So I haven't been updating this bad boy like I should. There must be some pretty exciting stuff going on in my life, right? Well-I will say that while the past 2 weeks have been kind of busy at work-there's really nothing else to report. As far as stage time is concerned-I should be hitting up some of the Open Mics in the area soon-and I'll be at Nanny O'Brien's on the 6th of December, and most likely the Wooly Mammoth theatre on December 15th. (Right, Danny??)

November's lookin' pretty bare right now. I'm going home to Buffalo this weekend to get tanked in Niagara. Because heaven forbid I go home next weekend for Thanksgiving. I give the family one holiday a year, and they're lucky to have it. (Bastille Day)

Arrested Development IS being cancelled. Sonofabitch. If you appreciate good comedy writing and shows with no laugh track-go to this website and sign the petition to try and save the show. While I am well aware that it probably won't make a difference, I'm putting it out there. FOX is just gonna replace it with another contrived doctor/prison/friends dating each other/nanny/talent competition/gay porn/forensics/nostalgic retro show like the 634 other pieces of crap on TV these days. This is unacceptable, and Rupert Murdoch can look forward to a strongly-worded, and amphetamine-and-Wild-Turkey-fueled letter from me. You should have read the intense letter I sent to the network when I heard that "Dinosaurs" was ending it's illustrious run. Then I stopped shrooming and realized that show was an insult to all that is good and holy. I then sent a second letter of thanks to the network along with a basket of muffins.

STEVE HOLT!

Listen up-Arrested Development is one of the funniest (if not the funniest) shows on television. And for some warped reason-people don't seem to care. But you HAVE to care!! I've heard dirty filthy rumors that the show may be cancelled again due to lack of an audience, even though the 14 of us who watch it absolutely adore it. Seriously-do yourself a favor, and catch one of the most original and most entertaining comedies left on TV. For Chrissakes-MTV will show the Laguna Beach episode you may miss 37 more times anyways.

My friend Meg brought a very interesting word to my attention this weekend: boyzilian.

Boyzilian: adj. & n. (boi*zil'i*an)
Definition: 1.) The act of removing all pubic hairs from the genital area of a man 2.) A testicular area sans the presence of pubic hair

Yeah.

I didn't know this was an actual word or phrase or practice or any of that. My friend Meg had apparently been with a guy who-like most women have been know to do-had waxed his "no-no area" completely bare.

And hey! I think this is a great thing for men to get into. Especially if they are getting ready to have sex with other men. Because it is gay.

I could have sworn I had something of consequence to discuss in my blog today......

But I guess I was wrong.

The Power of Negative Thinking

I passed a jewelry shop on my way into work this morning. On the front of the glass it said, "Watch Repair-While You Wait!" And I thought to myself, "One of these days, my watch clasp will break for good and I'll lose it and it will break my mother's heart and it will affect my standing in line for the family throne." But I went on my way and forgot all about it.

Then, on my way back from lunch I looked down to check the time, and HOT DAMN! My watch was gone!!

I found it later, after re-tracing my steps and thumb-wrestling a hobo for it.

The moral of the story: If you're going to thumb-wrestle a hobo, make sure it's one who tragically lost both his thumbs to over-exposure and hypothermia.

Even so it took me 43 minutes to beat him.