Comedian Erin Conroy: March 2009

Comedian Erin Conroy

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Check it:

Apparently FOX has decided to create the reality dating show "for the rest of us". With fat chicks vying for the love of a fat guy. It's called "More to Love".

If you really want to make a reality show "for the rest of us", you should look into something involving Monster Trucks, LARP, make-your-own-sundae bars and Flavor Flav (he remains the greatest by-product of reality TV).

And at the end of every episode, the contestant being eliminated will be shot out of a cannon into a ball pit filled filled with dung beetles. Because ewwww, dung beetles.

Monday, March 23, 2009

How Was Your Weekend?

Mine started out with a little excitement on Friday night. There I was, watching a movie and minding my own business, when I hear all this commotion in the hallway of my building. It's not uncommon for kids to be running around playing tag throughout the building until some adult pokes their head out of their apartment and starts screaming at them, so I didn't pay any attention. Then I hear sirens approaching outside, and I realize that there is a Fire Truck parked in front of my building. Then my superior brain put the louder-than-usual noises in the hallway together with the presence of fire and police officials, and decided to check it out.

The hall was swarmed with people, and two apartments down from mine, I saw that the front door had been smashed open. Turns out, the people who lived there were cooking dinner when the adults left the apartment for some reason without taking their keys, and they were subsequently locked out by the children they left in the apartment. Or something like that. So the Fire Department had to come smash the door down, because apparently the Super didn't have access? I don't know. But the hallway smelled like burnt chicken for the next 24 hours. Which is less offensive than you'd think, actually. Either that - or I burn the chicken every time I cook it.

So when I mentioned all this to my friend Leigh, she asked if there were any cute Firemen, and if I stepped out of my apartment in a revealing outfit so as to try and seduce said Firemen. (Just like on the TV!!) And while there was a cute Fireman or two, I stepped out of my apartment wearing Spongebob Squarepants boxer shorts and a t-shirt that said "Yankees Suck". Seduction: FAIL.

And then on Saturday I had some people over for my friend Katy's birthday. There was ice cream cake. In fact, there's still ice cream cake - do you want some? It's taking up too much space in my freezer. Where am I going to put all my Pudding Pops come summertime?

I also forced a couple of episodes of "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace" on my guests. After seeing the opening credits, they were powerless to resist it's genius:

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Happy St. Paddy's Day!!!

I'd never noticed this before, but St. Patrick's Day apparently gives my brother and sister and I free reign to call each other every Irish slur/stereotype in the book. Already today I have been offended no less than 7 times by my own flesh and blood, and I assure you that I give as good as I get. Hooray! Nothing says family and respecting your heritage like texting something extremely odorous to a loved one.

The parade has started outside on Fifth Avenue, and I can see some of it from my boss' window. Although you really have to be there to appreciate the sound of the pipes, and the sight of the Irish dancers, and the smell of all the idiot Frat boys who can't hold their booze to begin with, and started drinking Natty Ice extra early this morning. The plus side? These amateurs will all be passed out by the time I head out this evening. More over-sized Guinness hats for me!!!

I know you've seen this, but it's hilarious:

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Root Beer Barrels

They're delicious. And as American as apple pie! They've been around for decades I assume, and everyone from the kids to Grandma and Grandpa can agree - they're the most!!!
Here's another fun fact about Root Beer Barrels that I may or may not have made up: they so completely represent everything that is decent and wholesome about America, that Joseph McCarthy used them as a sort of "Patriot Divining Rod" during the 50s. He would offer a suspected Commie a delectable Root Beer Barrel, and if they refused his generous offer, well Sir, any and all doubts would be gone. And so would the offending person - to jail, or Russia or wherever they sent Communists back then. I didn't really have time to look into it.

I tried to impress all of these tru-isms and more on my friend Sylvia when she rudely rebuffed my offer of a Root Beer Barrel this very American day!! But alas and alack, she left my company sans scrumptious candy.

Next time you see her you should tell her how delicious Root Beer Barrels are. Or - never mind, you won't be able to. Because she'll never work in this town again.

I made some calls.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Oh No

The truce is off.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

I Don't Feel So Great

I'm back from vacation, and the first person waiting to greet me was a cold. No - that's a lie. I think said cold was with me before I even left Florida, courtesy of my little brother. He spent the last 3 days or so coughing up phlegm and having headaches and being generally disagreeable. I spent those same 3 days mocking him relentlessly. Now I fear that my hubris has proven to be my downfall. Because I feel all achy and shit.

Vacation was wonderful - we relaxed, watched movies, drank alcohol and wandered around my Mom's little beach town. Always a good time. We headed to the airport at West Palm Beach Monday morning around 9:45am to fly back home. Suffice it to say - I landed in at JFK at 9:05pm that night, and my sister and brother arrived in Buffalo at midnight. It was an unspeakably long day - and it's days like that that I always swear that I will not stand for this anymore!!!

In retrospect, it's kind of hilarious. I get so agitated that my flight isn't on time, or that they change my gate, or that the a-hole kid behind me won't stop kicking my chair; that I make loud and outrageous declarations like, "I will burn this place to the GROUND if that guy doesn't get in line like the rest of us" and "I won't fly anymore. This is ridiculous. I will take the train EVERYWHERE. Overseas? I will take a boat. Hell - I'll buy a boat and sail it myself. And I'll sail other people for a minimal fee. And I'll provide sandwiches. Honest to God sandwiches. No, I will not calm down, Shannon! YOU CALM DOWN!! Fine. You just talked yourself out of a spot on my boat. You can swim to Wales for all I care."

So now I am home and I am sick. I have things to do this week, and I fear they may all be cleared off the schedule to make room for laying in bed and whining softly while watching only 80s sitcom reruns and their comfortably predictable 20 minute plotlines. Anyone care to join?

I submitted material to 2 comedy festivals so far this year. One is a lost cause but I wanted to try anyhoo, and the other - we'll see!