HockeyTown, USA

The Rangers finally won one in their playoff series against the Sabres yesterday. It only took 2 overtimes, but they did it. They kind of blew it in games 1 and 2 - most especially in 2 - and I was beginning to despair. Now that there's no chance they'll be swept, I can watch the remainder of the series with some degree of detachment.

My mother and my sister have been getting on my case about rooting for the Rangers over the Sabres. They understand that the Rangers have been my team for over 10 years now, and they think that's super great. But they insist that my loyalties should lie with Buffalo in this series because, and I quote:

"Buffalo could really use a win."

And they don't mean the team, they mean the city of Buffalo, NY.

And they're not alone in that opinion. Sports Illustrated referred to Buffalo as the "losingest city" in this recent article about Chris Drury. The article doesn't tiptoe around Buffalo's heartbreaking sports team history - on the contrary - the author asserts that the Bills' epic four Superbowl losses in a row coupled with the Sabres being robbed of the Stanley Cup in 1999 (up yours, Hull) are symbolic of Buffalo's decline as a city. There's even a quote from the Mayor of Buffalo:

"We think, and many people think, that the town needs to win a major sports championship," says Mayor Byron Brown. "To correct the inferiority complex in the psyche in the community."

That's from the Mayor himself.

It makes me a little sad to read this. Sure, Buffalo's had it's fair share of problems over the last few decades...and Lord knows I make fun of my hometown more than most. But Buffalo's got a lot of great things to offer as well. You like chicken wings? Yeah, well thank Buffalo for perfecting the recipe. You like drive-in movie theatres? Buffalo's got two of 'em. (Though the word on the street is that one will be closing soon. But let's not split hairs) Buffalo also has at least 4 major shopping malls, bars that are open until 4am, and the ever-present opportunity to cross into Canada right quick and wave your American money over your head and finally benefit from an exchange rate. And of course, the Buffalo export people in every other city and town love the most: people from Buffalo who talk about the weather "they've been through". Come on, your winter wouldn't be half as fun without some transplant from Buffalo going on and on about the snowfalls and windchills they've seen, and how people everywhere need to be thankful they haven't suffered the kind of lake-effect snow Buffalo gets hit with every goddamned year.

I'm proud to be from Buffalo. It's a town with a lot of heart, and a town that's been through more than it's fair share of grandiose sports tragedies. And that's just in the last 20 years. So that's why if the Sabres were to win this series against the Rangers, and continue on to some very deserved success en route to the Cup, I can't see myself being too devastated. Instead, I think I'd be really happy for the hometown team.

Let's go, Buff-a-lo!!!!


(No, Shannon. That does not mean I'm moving back home.)

You're in DIRECT COMPETITION With Each Other!!! You'll Both Be Fighting...For Your Parent's LOVE!!

Oh, what a glorious yet devastating turn of events! Both the NY Rangers (my #1 team) and the Buffalo Sabres (my hometown team) have made it to the second round of the NHL playoffs. Now they face: EACH OTHER!!

This is great, because I'm excited they both did soooo well in the first round, and that they're advancing with great momentum. Now I get to see both teams play for at least another 4 games.

This is terrible, because no matter what happens, one of my two favorite hockey teams is goin' home after Round 2. And do even get me started on the emotion turmoil I'll certainly experience during the games. "Shoot it! Shoot it! Shoot it!......"Block it! Block it! Block it!"

I know now how it must feel for a parent to choose between the lives of their two children; deciding whether to sacrifice one's health to save the other, like in the case of conjoined twins. Except that what I'm going through is more tragic, of course.

On a happier note-DC was a great 24 hours. Thanks to all who came to the Catholic University show on Saturday night. Those engineers, man-they know how to party.

And to all my friends who hadn't seen me in a while, and may have forgotten juuuust how loud and obnoxious I can be after a few wine coolers: I'm sorry. But I adore you all. Hopefully I'll be back in town soon!

Game 1 tomorrow night at 7:00pm.

"Have You Let Jesus Into Your Heart?" "Well, He's Definitely Gotten Into My Liquor Cabinet..."

LET'S GO RANGERS!!!!!!!!!! LET'S GO RANGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never doubted them. Not for a second.

OK-I'm going to be in DC this weekend. And by this weekend, I mean on Saturday. I have a show at Catholic University that starts at 7:30pm, and of course I'd love to see any familair faces. But be warned-I will be going onstage around 8pm, and leaving immediately after my set. I have a friend's farewell dinner that I have to get to. So anyone who was planning on attending the Catholic show for the sole purpose of pantsing or dead-legging me afterwards, you might want to change your plans.

But I'll be out drinking after that!

(You could at least act surprised)

I'm On My Sixth Cup Of Coffee

And instead of standing there judging my caffeine-dependency, why don't you scoot your sweet ass down to the kitchen and make me another cup? Hmmm? I take it with two sugars, milk, and no back-talk. Thanks.

Things have been going on and happening. I had a show at StandUp NY last week that I dragged a few indescribably devoted friends to. My set went well, a new joke went better than expected, and overall the show was really fun. One of the best line-ups talent-wise that I've done in a while. Besides the tour I did with Gallagher 2 and Jeff Dunham, of course.

I despise puppets.

Anyhoo, I may be in DC next weekend (Sat. April 21st) for a show. Details are sketchy, but I'll update when I hear more. I will also be in DC to bid a fond farewell to Anne-Marie and Tom, and my adopted nephews and niece. The past 2 years have seen a lot of people I know return to Ireland after a significant amount of time in the States. Coincidence? Or is "Dancing with the Stars" to blame? I think we all know the answer to that.

Where's my coffee?

I was at one of my neighborhood deli/grocery stores the other day, when all of a sudden a strange man was offering me donuts and beer. I said "No, thank you.", which he countered with, "How about some pie, too?" This went on for the entire time I was in the store, with the gentleman adding various different sweets and confectionaries to his list of offerings while simultaneously getting louder. Finally, I paid and left him in the store, now screaming, about how he "wasn't offering me drugs or anything illegal", he "just thought we could have some donuts and maybe some sex".

Have I missed something recently? Some significant advancement regarding the etiquette of courtship? Do donuts and pie and other baked goods now guarantee sex? When did this happen? Is it now commonplace to, instead of a whole fancy dinner, just buy your date a piece of strudel and know that they're gonna put out?

It's no wonder this country has an obesity problem, if that's the case.

Have you gotten my coffee yet? Make sure to grab a couple of slices of marble cake while you're in there.

Let's get it on.

Home Is Where The Grudge Is...

Happy belated Easter/Passover/season premiere of "The Sopranos". Did you see it? Don't tell me anything-I'm watching it tonight.

I went home to Buffalo this past weekend. Buffalo is freezing cold. I swear to God, I don't ever remember it being that cold when I was a kid. Then again, when I was younger I had my hopes and dreams for the future to keep me warm. And it's just not as easy to stop the heat from escaping your body when you're dead inside.

Besides the bone-chilling cold, Buffalo was a good time as always. These days, it seems there are a few things guaranteed to happen every time I go home for a visit: one of my oldest friends comes one fake eyelash or one "accidental" man-kiss closer to coming out of the closet ; one of my sister's three dogs runs into oncoming traffic; and I end up running into someone I went to grammar school with in a bar, and then trying to pick a fight with them.

It's like clockwork.

I never seem to run into anyone I went to high school with-just middle school and elementary school. It's just as well though, it would seem all the scores I have to settle are from grades 1-8. And you're probably thinking that it would be hard to recognize someone you went to school with 17 years ago. Well you're wrong. You never forget the face of the guy who took your Hostess Fruit Pie out of your lunch and threw it down the hallway. Or the girl who wouldn't let you copy her answers real quick that time you completely forgot to do your homework because you were busy planning "Burger Time" for 6 hours straight the night before. Or the entire mezzo soprano section of the Erie County Chorus. No.....they'll all get their come-uppance.

YOU get over it.