Comedian Erin Conroy: September 2007

Comedian Erin Conroy

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Man Accused of Beheading Duck at Hotel

That's an actual headline that caught my eye today. It gets better:

"Scott D. Clark, a guest at the Embassy Suites Hotel in St. Paul, cornered the duck early Saturday morning, grabbed the bird and ripped its head from its body while a hotel security guard and others watched, police said.
Clark then turned to onlookers and said: “I’m hungry. I’m gonna eat it,” St. Paul police Sgt. John Wuorinen said. “He was allegedly drunk,” Wuorinen said."

Wow. I like that he was "allegedly" drunk. This means there is a possibility that he was sober when he ripped the head off a live duck in the middle of a hotel lobby.

More later.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Fred Durst Looks Like Sh*t

Remember when Fred Durst used to be cool? Like, really cool?!?! Because he was. He was really big from like, 1999 - 2001. Do you remember? I know it's hard, and you probably blocked it out like one of those "bad-touch" memories from summer camp in 1987, but it happened. It was real. Fred Durst was a superstar. Nowadays he spends his time running haters over with his car. But what's important is that he's staying busy.

I have a show in Williamsburg, Brooklyn on Monday evening. 8pm at Soundfix Records on Bedford Avenue, and the show is free. And free is the best kind of price.

The Emmys are on this Sunday night. On a related note, fuck "Grey's Anatomy".

Yesterday evening I was walking to the Subway and having a cigarette when a complete stranger got in my face and told me to quit smoking. Something about, "You're a lovely young lady! Don't smoke those cancer sticks! They'll kill you!!" And then he was gone in a flash - like some fanciful Advice Sprite, dispensing words of wisdom and then frollicking off into the forest.

I really can't stand people who share their unsolicited opinions. And it's bad enough when it's someone you know getting preachy, but a complete stranger? That's flat-out rude. And while I know this random man was sure he was acting in my best interests, I still found him extremely annoying. Instead of getting so annoyed though, I should have returned the favor. I should have tried to save him from himself:

"Excuse me sir! You shouldn't have your hair in a rat-tail! You seem like a nice man, but the rat-tail will guarantee you a life of solitude, save maybe for a fling with a one-legged woman named Gertie! Cut the rat-tail off, before it's too late! Also, see a Doctor about the smell - You smell like you've been soaking in a bathtub full of Skoal and shattered dreams."

Rat-tails are gross.

Friday, September 07, 2007

I Apologize For Nothing!

Nothing gives me greater joy than denying someone's friend request on MySpace.

I get maybe 5 friend requests a day, usually from some band, or some singer or some tarted-up German teenager who wants to be my friend and then tell me about all the cool ways to make money while online.

I relish each opportunity I get to press deny and see the request vanish. I know that these bands and singers and German ad-whores send out mass friend requests just trying to get as many people as possible exposed to whatever it is they do. But I like to think that maybe, just maybe, one in every 7 gets personally offended when I deny them. Like maybe the lead singer of Dark Heartbeats, or whatever retarculous band out of Omaha friend requested me this morning, has seen that I have not been counted among their friends and is devastated:

"I don't understand! Did we tell her that we had a hip new sound? Didn't she see all the other people that were 'thanking us for the add'? We specifically put Genesis in the 'sounds like' and the 'influences' section, to prove to her that we are right up her alley!! What went wrong?!?! What's wrong with us?!?! With me?!?!?.......Maybe Dark Heartbeats isn't going to be the greatest band in the world........"

And then, in my imagination, this lead singer (who of course is named something ludicrous like Sebastian St. Glory) falls into an immeasurable depression. No one can get him out of the bathtub, he refuses to eat, and eventually he starts cutting himself. Meanwhile, the rest of the band members start to lose their focus and question the future of the band. One by one, without St. Glory's leadership, they all abandon their instruments and their dreams of fame and fortune, and they go back to their jobs and their ex-girlfriends. And Dark Heartbeats quietly....ever so quietly....abandons the dream....

And thus, the world is spared the horror of another pretentious and self-aggrandizing garage band with feelings. And there will be a few less songs on the radio titled "My Personal Freedom" and "My Parents Didn't Get Me, And That's Why I Wear So Much Eyeliner Now" and "Girl, I Wanna Be Your Rock". And because songs like that are inherently asinine, we'll all be better people because they never existed.

And all because I get a smug if not fleeting sense of superiority when I select "Deny" on my friend requests.

You're welcome.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

We're Gonna Party Like Album-Sales War Was Declared

Did you hear about this?:

“If Kanye West sells more records than 50 Cent on September 11, I’ll no longer write music. I’ll write music and work with my other artists, but I won’t put out anymore solo albums.”

I've been wondering all year long: How can we properly commemorate and honor those people that lost their lives 6 years ago? How can we truly, tastefully, and with nothing but the utmost care and concern; let the families of the victims of 9/11 know that they are gone but not forgotten? How, I say - How???

And then it came to me: This country needs a pissing contest between two rappers!

Breathe in, America. And then breathe out. It is finally OK to start the healing process.