Comedian Erin Conroy: July 2006

Comedian Erin Conroy

Friday, July 28, 2006

The Town NEVER Loses

A few blogs ago, I referred to a friend of mine that will be moving to Switzerland at the end of the summer. His name is Tim, and he's one of my oldest and dearest friends.

I met Tim in college over a box of Raisin Bran, and we've been close ever since. He has been working in DC since graduation, and much like myself last year, has felt the nagging desire to move on to new locations.

The difference is this: I moved a 4-hour car ride away to NYC. Tim is moving to Switzerland. Yeah, that Switzerland. The country.

I might mention that I find it extremely apropos that Tim is moving to Switzerland, by the way. Considering the fact that he was had to stay neutral in the face of extreme pressure from opposing sides on various occasions. Ha! Yeah-I'm talking about it.

So anyways-as the big move draws ever closer, Tim has been very busy. He's been packing, tying up loose ends, and just....well,...getting busy.

Hence the whole reason for this entry. I got an e-mail from him today about an acquaintance he made last night, and I had to share one excerpt with the World Wide Web:

"And then this morning it was all "Nice to meet you, have a nice day" because I'm moving to motherfucking Switzerland...That'll learn her"

And that, my friends-is how a classy man deals with the uncomfortable business of the morning after.

You have one more month to study at the feet of Tim Townley-before the Swiss get their non-confrontational mitts into him for almost a year. Use it wisely.

Love you Tim!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

You Liar

In the Subway (and to a lesser extent, out on the streets) at rush hour, there are people from all kinds of organizations and denominations in your face-trying to hand you pamphlets.

The Campaign for Human Rights, Greenpeace, People Who Don't Like Grapefruit Juice-everyone has an obnoxious and perky representative who will get in your face and ask for a moment of your time. They want to solicit your sympathy and understanding, and eventually your credit card information.

Sidebar: There is no acceptable way of saying "no" when someone asks you, "Can you spare two minutes for orphaned children who have no shoes and are stricken with polio?". However you dress it up-you're gonna come off looking like an asshole. Example- "I'm sorry, I'm late for a meeting now. I don't have the time." "Oh, that's OK. The orphans have all the time in the world to DIE OF POLIO." Yikes.

Anyway, I was walking through Grand Central Station this morning, and straight ahead was one of these pamphlet whores. He was from "Jesus for Jews". Not "Jews for Jesus", "Jesus for Jews". I guess there's a difference between the two groups, though I couldn't tell you what it is. I think maybe one of them has a serious relationship with Christ, while the other one's just phoning it in for community service hours or something.

So I'm maybe three people away from this guy, getting ready to do my patented 'hand up/head shake' motion; when this girl to the left of me changes her direction and goes out of her way to step up to him and take a pamphlet.

What?!?! I know it might not seem like a big deal, but what?!?!?! Nobody takes the pamphlets unless there appears to be no way around it. But she acted like she wanted the pamphlet. Like she was actually interested in whatever this patchouli-soaked go-getter had to tell her.

I couldn't help it. I walked right past her as she was looking the information over, and I was like, "You liar."

Super long story short-I'm owed a punch in the mouth by one Jew for Jesus.

Or else by someone who thinks Jesus is for the Jews.

Not that it matters. I gave at the office.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

This Is Really Very Wrong

Enjoy that. My gift to you.

Anyways-the Geek Comedy Tour 3000 was a resounding hit on Friday. We all had really great sets and the crowd was into us. Plus, it gave me the opportunity to see people drag racing on Segways, and picking locks at break-neck speeds. And most satisfying of all; I introduced Ryan Conner and Danny Rouhier to the phrase "punctured starfish". Danny giggled like a little bitch. What a charmer, that guy.

So I had this dream last night that I played for the New York Rangers. Only, it was the bastardized NY Rangers all-girls team. And no one really came to the games. And our mascot was Toucan Sam, and they paid us in deli platters and cake trays. And I broke my arm and couldn't play in the one game, so I had to sharpen skates.

Whatever that means.

Big big big CONGRATULATIONS going out to my former co-worker and office roomie Anne-Marie and her husband Tom. Anne-Marie gave birth this morning to baby #3, Aoife Kate, and both Mom and baby are doing fine!!! Congrats!!! She's gonna love football as much as the boys, don't worry!

An Open Letter To Whomever Operates The 6 Train Heading Uptown In The Morning:

What gives? Stop being a dick.

Friday, July 21, 2006

I Know, I Know

That the billboard I mentioned earlier is more than likely a fake. Some sort of advertising ploy or something; as it has shown up in LA as well.

But it got my attention. And I think it's pretty creative. Henceforth, I will probably end up buying whatever this ad is going so far to try and sell me; be it new checks, some sort of delicious fruit salad or a refreshing lobotomy.

You got me, you brilliant shills!

Sooo Good

The above billboard is hanging at 48th Street and 7th Avenue in the heart of Times Square. Oh man-that's HILARIOUS.

Anyhow-tonight I am performing with the GEEK COMEDY TOUR 3000. (OK Chris?) We will be at the Hotel Pennsylvania near Penn Station, and our showtime is at 11pm. Ticket prices should be in the $5-10 range.

And after that-alcohol. Right Danny?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I Am Completely Miserable, San Diego...

Sweet Jesus. It's soo hot here. I was walking across the bridge to the Subway this morning at 8am, and it was already 92 degrees. Whaaaa? At 8am? I had no idea that midtown Manhattan was one of the 9 Levels of Hell.

Luckily, inside my place of employment it is air conditioning all the way. And I am currently drinking my coffee out of a mug that says "Travel Counselors Do It First Thing In The Morning". And it's making me feel dirty.

There is a Dude outside of my office building who sells the New York Sun in the morning. His sales pitch is simply repeating "The New York Sun The New York Sun The New York Sun" over and over again, in the most depressing monotone you've ever heard. One day, he was sick or on vacation or something, and there was a different guy out hocking papers. This guy was hilarious. His sales pitch was, "New York Sun! Buy it! I've got lots of 'em! Look at this logo here on the paper! That logo's gotta be like, 146 years old! This is an old, and respected paper! NEW YORK SUN! Shoot-there's all KINDS of information in here!!! Buy it!" It was a much more effective ad campaign. I still didn't buy the paper, because I don't care for the New York Sun, but I applaud his efforts.

DC peeps-I think I should be back in town the weekend of August 5th. Don't you wanna get drunk at Stetson's? Or the Ugly Mug? Yeah, I thought you did.

You're buying!

Monday, July 17, 2006

It Happens...Dude Got Chopped...

A very busy weekend for me:

-Thursday night I did an open mic in the village. Open mics are always interesting, to say the least-and I'm delighted I had Frank Hong with me to enjoy the absurdity.

-Friday night I got drunk in the backyard of my building with my neighbors, where the title of my blog was shouted repeatedly by a wasted man with a weedwhacker.

-Saturday and Sunday I was ALL OVER the city. Central Park, Statue of Liberty, South Street Seaport, Times Square, blah blah blah. I think I have heatstroke. But the Brits had a lovely time, and one nosebleed.

-Saturday night I did a show at a comedy club in Times Square. Rough, rough crowd. They were not trying to laugh. (Why would you go to a comedy show hell-bent on not laughing?!? Why??!! You had to pay money to be this disappointed!! You're stupid) But by the Grace of God, I won 'em over and had a great set. Nice.

And now it's Monday morning, and it's already 90 degrees, and I am NOT happy about it.

I will be performing with the Geek Comedy Tour 3000 this Friday night at 11pm in Midtown Manhattan. Great comics; nerdy references. You know you want it.

Friday, July 14, 2006


This weekend I have the distinct pleasure of helping my friend Katy squire two young British boys around New York City. They are friends of her family, or distant cousins, or the only two survivors of the last Battle Royale; I forget which it is. But it's exciting for me, because now I have an excuse to go out and see/do all that touristy crap I haven't done since I moved here.

It also gives me an excuse to push around two young British boys for the entire weekend. Finally, a chance to get even for both the Revolutionary War and those contemptible Spice Girls.

Take that, Margaret Thatcher!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Can Chocolate Just Let Me Finish?

I spent a significant amount of time in Queens this past weekend. And I gotta tell you...that borough's alright.

Went out in Astoria with Kat on Friday night, and had my first ever mojito. It was good and all, but not something I'll be rushing to try again. Those mint leaves get all soggy and then they shoot up your straw and the next thing you know you're choking on mint leaves. I don't want to choke on my drinks. I want to choke on my words. And maybe someday shoot my eye out with my innuendo.

My apartment is spotless (acceptable) for the arrival this evening of my friend Chris. I met Chris last year on a cruise to Alaska I took with my sister. There were maybe 6 people on the boat under the age of 40, and we all found each other and got shitty for 7 days. Also, there were killer whales.

So Chris just got a job that moves him from Orange County, CA to the Big Apple. Just ask 2-Pac or Biggie, and they'll tell you that the East Coast and the West Coast have their differences. So I am gonna do my best to help him acclimate to his new life in the Big City:

Tonight- Two words: cock fight

Tomorrow- A visit to NBC Studios...and a brick through the window on account of 'America's Got Talent'

Thursday- Ice cream at Tasti-D-Lite

Friday- An arrogant and condescending evening of spoken word in the Village, followed by a trip to the Lincoln Tunnel...(wink wink)...for hookers....(smoooooooth)

Saturday- Breakfast in lockdown. Man, those Vice Squad cops run fast....

On the comedy front: I have 2 shows this week. Count 'em! Bored on Saturday night and find yourself in Times Square? Head to the comedy club at 45th Street and 8th Avenue for the 11pm show and yours truly. If you want more details, just drop me an e-mail:

Conroy OUT.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Can You Hear The People Sing? Singing The Songs Of Angry Men...

Yesterday was July 4th. Our Independence Day. The day that we Americans celebrate our forefather's struggle for freedom, and the privileges we enjoy today because of their struggle.

And yesterday was also a different kind of Independence Day. A day where myself and 8 other co-workers at my part-time waitressing job all declared our desire for independence. A day where we decided to say "no more" to oppressive tyranny and declare our right to freedom.

A day where we all quit and walked out together after 2 hours of work.

Now, I won't bore you with the harrowing details of the events that led up to this fateful confrontation-I will only say that we were totally justified. Management has been unreasonable, pay has been ridiculous, promised Three Musketeers haven't been received, etc etc.

Special accolades go to my friend Kat, who-after the final straw was placed on the burdened camel's back-led the revolution. Complete with her fist in the air. No, I'm not kidding-she yelled "Viva La revolucion!" and threw her fist in the air and walked out. If it wasn't such a serious situation, I would have peed my pants laughing.

I have never been in a situation like that before, and it was kind of a rush. I have never just up and QUIT a job without giving proper notice and usually discussing it with my boss beforehand. But just up and quitting in a flair of over-dramatic-hat-throwing yesterday was a BALL.

I have decided to make the most of this newfound sense of defiance and tenacity, and apply it to whatever situations I deem appropriate. Example? Alllright:

I will no longer stand idly by while the foul-mouthed, boorish woman in front of me in the supermarket argues for 14 minutes about whether or not a coupon is valid. Never again will my perishables and frozen foods suffer! The next time I am behind this devil in pink stirrup pants, I will rend the hateful coupon in twain, deliver a mighty blow to the Great Offender's basket, and watch as the Hot Pockets of her regime scatter to the winds like so many defeated guerillas!!

Yeah....or else I'll probably just clear my throat and occassionally tap my foot. That'll learn her too.


Monday, July 03, 2006

My Country Beat Up Your Honor Student

Early 'Best Independence Day' wishes to everyone!

I will be spending my 4th of July serving drunk people more booze than their bodies can handle, and then sending them off into the streets where I trust they will continue to celebrate our nation's birthday responsibly.

Still better than what I was doing last year for the 4th. Oy.

I'm off to buy a Tears for Fears album. What are you doing with your hard-earned money?