Comedian Erin Conroy: February 2006

Comedian Erin Conroy

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Snakes on a Plane

OK, I have to begin this post by acknowledging and thanking a great human being. Ms. Alicia Gomes, ladies and gentlemen.

Alicia is a comic here in NYC, but I know her from the DC scene. I heard about Alicia for about 17 years before I ever actually met her. She's funny as hell, and a big fan of alcohol. So I think we'll be friends forever. Also, she can jump rope for 58 hours straight. Gomes for President in 2012!!!! (We'll bypass the '08 election so she has time to raise some campaign money and "take care of" all those people that know what she did last summer)

Anyhoo, the real reason I am loving Alicia these days, is she introduced me to something glorious. This glorious thing is a movie that will be coming out on August 18th of this year. A movie of epic proportions, that will address issues of severe social consequence, and make every single human being on the planet stop and re-evaluate what fate and love really mean to them. Whether the world is ready or not, this film is coming:

Snakes on a Plane

No wait, did you get that? I'm not sure that the full effect has hit you yet:

Snakes on a Plane

Oh yeah. There it is. You just soiled yourself.

This movie is about snakes that are on a plane. And some marketing impresario decided, "Why take the subtle route? Why not just tell the people EXACTLY what they're in for? There will be snakes, they will be on a plane.....voila! Snakes on a Plane!"

I love it. I love it, love it, love it. What could make this better? Three words: Samuel L. Jackson. Yessssssssssssssss. Samuel L. has decided to take a break from doing light-hearted comedies (Freedomland) and stuffy period pieces (The Man) to get back to kickass, in-your-face, and believable action movies.

The plot is as follows: who gives a shit? There are snakes on a m***** f****** plane. And you know Samuel L. ain't tryin' to have no snake-ass sumbitches on his plane. Oh hellll no. I forsee a lot of clever snake-related quips:

"Listen here, sucka-I'm gonna make you hissssssstory!"

"Black mamba?!?! Well I'm the black MASTER!"

"Putting me on this plane was a big misSNAKE."

For a while, there was some assanine talk about changing the title of the movie to "Flight 121", or something equally lame. But the outcry was deafening, and "Snakes on a Plane" won out as the official title. I mean, "Flight 121"?! How am I supposed to know what to expect? Does the flight crash? Is it a fairly smooth flight with minor turbulence and an excess of peanuts vs pretzels? Is there anything of interest on this flight 121? What is the draw? No. No, it has to be snakes on a plane. For the good of the nation.

Not excited enough yet? Check out the official website. Can you feel how intense this movie is?

Also check out this guy's blog entry devoted to Snakes on a Plane. It's hilarious.

Haven't had enough? Want to know what you can get for the girl/guy who has everything? Look no further, my dears. Christmas come early!!

"Snakes on a muthafuckin plane". Genius. Brilliant. The only thing I am living for right now.

That's it. That's all this post is going to be about. Just Snakes on a Plane. Because when you think about it-what else is there? Aren't we all just running from the snakes on our own personal planes?

We are. And mine's a Cottonmouth.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

You're The Only Bitch In This House I Ever Respected

If you've never seen the Flavor of Love on VH1, you haven't experienced true joy once in your life. Not once. Ever. Not even that time you scored an extra scoop of toppings into your Blizzard at the DQ free of charge. Nope-not even close.

Flavor Flav is the most entertaining thing on TV right now. Not because he is the closest living relative of this guy...

...But because he only refers to himself in the third person.

Some Girl: I love you, Flav!

Flav: Flavor Flav wonders if you know what love is!! And also, Flavor Flav wonders if you shouldn't be making Flavor Flav a sandwich right about now.

Some Girl: Oh, Flav!

Flav: Flavor Flav wants cheese on it. FLAAAAVOR FLAAAAAAV!

And he pulls more ass than any reality TV star EVER. Even more than Verne Troyer. F'real.

So what have I been doing here in NY? Mostly hating my job. I have already put in my 2 weeks. Last day is next Friday. Looking for a new one. I won't go into too many details, suffice it to say I've been wondering if a staple remover could do proper damage to the veins in my wrist constantly for the last month and a half. Good people, though. Good people.

So I have to continue craigslist-ing now. As soon as I'm fully employed as a waitress again-and back with my people, the drunks-everything will be coming up Milhouse.

Oh, and the answer to the riddle/joke/disgusting display of insensitivity from the last posting?

Crib death.

If you laughed at that-I'll see you in hell.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = CRAZY DELICIOUS!!!

Have you heard the rap from Saturday Night Live yet? The "Lazy Sunday" rap? About going to see "The Chronicles of Narnia"? If not, watch it now.

Listen-I don't want to blow the top off of anyone's business or anything, but I think it's really great that Ryan Conner finds the time to do comedy AND be on Beauty and the Geek 2.


My friend Katy and I had a mini-Superbowl party Sunday night at my place. She made pigs in a blanket and we watched Arrested Development during most of the game. Go Steelers!

I know I haven't really been writing a lot about comedy lately-but I promise that's all gonna change real soon. And in the meantime-to tide you over-I will tell a joke:
(The following joke almost got me stoned at Nanny O'Brien's)

What's 18 inches long, purple, and makes a woman scream?

Check out the next entry for the answer!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Happy Groundhog Day!

It's been a while since I've updated this thing, I know. I've been busy. Busy being sick and participating in bowling tournaments. The sick part has stuck-the bowling, notsomuch.

But I will write more soon. I just wanted to acknowledge this High Holy Day, on which some sonofabitch rat tells ME whether or not this winter is gonna be a mild one; or long, cold, bleak and depresing enough to keep me inside watching "Skating With Celebrities".

Well go ahead, Phil. We're all waiting...